Word-Of-the-Week #1047: Regard
August 29, 2024 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1047: Regard
Regard – having qualities that bring about a favorable regard: pleasant, agreeable.
Do you know people who think they are smarter and better than everyone? Are you considerate and respectful of others in your life?
This week is the 2nd half from Bill Marvin, The Restaurant Doctor who shared “10 Things Incredibly Likable People Never, Ever Do (and Why You Love Them for It)” What you do can make you extremely likable. So can what you choose not to do, by Jeff Haden from Inc.
To Recap: Some people are incredibly likable because of the things they do. Some people are incredibly charismatic because of the things they do.
And some people are incredibly likable because of the things they don’t do.
If you know someone who possesses the following qualities, share this with them—and also tell them how much you appreciate the fact they are in your life.
- They don’t blame.
- They don’t control.
- They don’t try to impress.
- They don’t cling.
- They don’t interrupt.
- They don’t whine.
Your words have power, especially over you. Whining about your problems makes you feel worse, not better.
If something is wrong, don’t waste time complaining. Put that effort into making the situation better. Unless you want to whine about it forever, eventually you’ll have to do that. So why waste time? Fix it now.
Don’t talk about what’s wrong. Talk about how you’ll make things better, even if that conversation is only with yourself.
And do the same with your friends or colleagues. Don’t be just the shoulder they cry on.
Friends don’t let friends whine. Friends help friends make their lives better.
- They don’t criticize.
Yeah, you’re more educated. Yeah, you’re more experienced. Yeah, you’ve been around more blocks and climbed more mountains and slayed more dragons.
That doesn’t make you smarter, or better, or more insightful.
That just makes you you: unique, matchless, one of a kind—but in the end, just you.
Just like everyone else.
Everyone is different: not better, not worse, just different. Appreciate the differences instead of the shortcomings and you’ll see people—and yourself—in a better light.
- They don’t preach.
The higher you rise and the more you accomplish, the more likely you are to think you know everything and to tell people everything you think you know.
When you speak with more finality than foundation, people may hear you but they don’t listen.
And they don’t want to be around you.
- They don’t live in the past.
The past is valuable. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from the mistakes of others.
Then let it go.
Easier said than done? (Even Troy Aikman struggles with this, but in a really good way.) It depends on your focus. When something bad happens to you, see that as a chance to learn something you didn’t know. When another person makes a mistake, see that as an opportunity to be kind, forgiving, and understanding.
The past is just training; it doesn’t define you. Think about what went wrong, but only in terms of how you will make sure that, next time, you and the people around you will know how to make sure it goes right.
- They don’t let fear hold them back.
We’re all afraid, of what might or might not happen, of what we can’t change, or what we won’t be able to do, or how other people might perceive us.
So it’s easier to hesitate, to wait for the right moment, to decide we need to think a little longer or do some more research or explore a few more alternatives.
Meanwhile days, weeks, months, and even years pass us by.
And so do our dreams.
Don’t let your fears hold you back. Whatever you’ve been planning, whatever you’ve imagined, whatever you’ve dreamed of, get started on it today.
If you want to start a business, take the first step. If you want to change careers, take the first step. If you want to expand or enter a new market or offer new products or services, take the first step.
Put your fears aside and get started. Do something. Do anything.
Otherwise, today is gone. Once tomorrow comes, today is lost forever.
Today is the most precious asset you own—and is the one thing you should truly fear … wasting.
This week’s focus is regard. Are you able to fix things quickly if something goes wrong? If someone makes a mistake, can you see that as an opportunity to be kind, forgiving, and understanding? Are you ready to let go of fears and get your plans and dreams started today?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1046: Likable
August 22, 2024 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1046: Likable
Likable – having qualities that bring about a favorable regard: pleasant, agreeable.
How would you rate yourself on being pleasant and agreeable? Do you have a need to be in control of other people?
This week Bill Marvin, The Restaurant Doctor shared this “10 Things Incredibly Likable People Never, Ever Do (and Why You Love Them for It)” What you do can make you extremely likable. So can what you choose not to do, by Jeff Haden from Inc. I’m featuring the first half.
Some people are incredibly likable because of the things they do. Some people are incredibly charismatic because of the things they do.
And some people are incredibly likable because of the things they don’t do.
If you know someone who possesses the following qualities, share this with them—and also tell them how much you appreciate the fact they are in your life.
- They don’t blame.
Friends make mistakes. Employees don’t meet your expectations. Vendors don’t deliver on time.
So you blame them for your problems.
But you’re also to blame. Maybe you didn’t provide enough training. Maybe you didn’t build in enough of a buffer. Maybe you asked too much, too soon. Maybe you weren’t as good a friend as you could have been.
Taking responsibility when things go wrong instead of blaming others isn’t masochistic; it’s empowering, because then you focus on doing things better or smarter next time.
And when you get better or smarter, you also get happier.
- They don’t control.
Yeah, you’re the boss. Yeah, you’re the titan of industry. Yeah, you’re the small tail that wags a huge dog.
Still, the only thing you really control is you. If you find yourself trying hard to control other people, you’ve decided that you, your goals, your dreams, or even just your opinions are more important than theirs.
Plus, control is short term at best, because it often requires force, or fear, or authority, or some form of pressure—none of those let you feel good about yourself.
Find people who want to go where you’re going. They’ll work harder, have more fun, and create better business and personal relationships.
And all of you will be happier.
- They don’t try to impress.
No one likes you for your clothes, your car, your possessions, your title, or your accomplishments. Those are all “things.” People may like your things, but that doesn’t mean they like you.
Sure, superficially they might seem to, but superficial is also insubstantial, and a relationship that is not based on substance is not a real relationship.
Genuine relationships make you happier, and you’ll form genuine relationships only when you stop trying to impress and start trying to just be yourself.
- They don’t cling.
When you’re afraid or insecure, you hold on tightly to what you know, even if what you know isn’t particularly good for you.
An absence of fear or insecurity isn’t happiness; it’s just an absence of fear or insecurity.
Holding on to what you think you need won’t make you happier; letting go so you can reach for and try to earn what you want will.
Even if you don’t succeed in earning what you want, the act of trying alone will make you feel better about yourself.
- They don’t interrupt.
Interrupting isn’t just rude. When you interrupt someone, what you’re really saying is, “I’m not listening to you so I can understand what you’re saying; I’m listening to you so I can decide what I want to say.”
Want people to like you? Listen to what they say. Focus on what they say. Ask questions to make sure you understand what they say.
They’ll love you for it—and you’ll love how that makes you feel.
This week’s focus is being likable. Do you take responsibility when things don’t go as planned? Are you a good listener? Do you have genuine relationships and comfortable being just your true self?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1045: Possibility
August 15, 2024 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1045: Possibility
Possibility – capability of existing or happening or being true.
Do you allow yourself the space to dream? Can you imagine that noticing joy may help you discern what you love?
This week features excerpts from “Joy is more than a feeling. Listen to what it’s telling you,” CNN Opinion piece by Tess Taylor.
“There’s a poem from Mary Oliver I’ve been meditating on lately: “If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. There are plenty of lives and towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back … better than all the riches and power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. … Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.”
Joy is not made to be a crumb. That’s a sentence I savor — it reminds me that joy is maybe so much bigger than we often let it be. It’s no crumb but the whole pie, the full nutty loaf, the full raucous potluck. Joy might be the meal that sustains us. Noticing joy can be a guiding force, helping us name what matters in our lives. Joy, Oliver suggests, helps us discern what we love, and, just maybe, helps us figure out how we want to live.
In the middle of difficult years, I’ve been so grateful to occasionally have the assignment here to write about joy. It’s been, in some ways, a sidelong project in truly challenging years. Don’t get me wrong: Not all of my writing here has been joyful. Far from it. I’ve covered wildfires, more wildfires, what to do when smoke fills the sky for days.
I’ve written about pandemic unsettlement and school shootings, and my deep sadness — as a kid who was once threatened with a gun in her own school — that we haven’t made the world less dangerous for our kids. And during these difficult years, I’ve grieved plenty — about environmental destruction, racial violence, the specter of eroded civil rights.
But in the middle of that, this space has also offered me a chance to celebrate about the weird, the whimsical, the unexpectedly sustaining. I’ve gotten to write about the delightful attitudes of backyard chickens, the experience of filling a lawn with native plants. I’ve written about the art of unplugging, social media sabbaticals and finding practical ways to connect, re-route, take the long view. I’ve had the chance to write about rest — something which, by nature, is linked to joy. (It is hard to be truly joyful when we are not rested.) In the process I began to think about how windows of both rest and joy might offer some antidote to our culture’s chronic fury: space to reset, process, unplug and forgive.
Most importantly, amid wildfires, epidemics and guns, and alongside the occasional backyard chicken, I’ve also had the chance to write about poetry. I want to be clear: writing about joy, attention and unplugging aren’t separate from writing about poetry. These things interweave. In a fractured, often violent culture, engaging with poetry is also a way to rest, reset and reroute. Poetry is a way — despite all — to notice delight.
It’s been a head-spinning political summer. There has been civic violence and gun violence and assassination attempts and intense heat and the sudden retirement of one candidate and the ascent of another. There’s a lot on the line this fall. We all have a lot to talk about. We have big decisions to make. As we do: I wonder if grounding in joy might help us plot a way forward.
I think that’s because joy can be an excellent teacher. As a teacher of poetry, when I lead a workshop, I ask that my poetry students not begin with critique. It’s always easy to say what you don’t like about something, easy to point out why it might not work. Instead, when students read each other’s new poems, I ask that each new reader name a delight. We anchor in pleasure — a word or a funny moment, the music of a slant rhyme. Focusing on delight helps a writer to know what to do more of. It helps a reader find out where their sensibilities lie. We are better off learning to write and imagine towards what delights us than trying to skirt the edges of what might not.
So here’s a final thought: What if we take this out of the writing classroom — or out of the poetry column — and into our lives? As we face down the questions of coming months, what might centering rest, delight, joy and even a bit of poetry bring to the process?
It’s telling, for instance, that one of the signs that Kamala Harris might be an awesome candidate is that right now, she helps us imagine a world where we are happy and happier together. She seems, well, joyful. As much as I love Harris, (and I really do), the end of this column is not really about her. It’s about the fact that it’s important to discover our joy. When we find that joy, it’s important to savor it. And it’s important to let that joy point us toward naming the big dreams about what our lives might feel like.
Perhaps sometimes we find a little space for that in a column about chickens, or in a reminder that it’s really, really okay to rest, or to say no once in a while. And perhaps sometimes we find that by making space to read words that allow us to daydream, breathe, see beauty, reconnect to our bodies and to one another.
Here’s what else: We can hope that out of that space there’s more space.
Hopefully we find room for less fury, more hip hop; less negativity, more laughter; more freedom to explore and wonder; more space to see the dignity in ourselves and one another; more space to know in our bones that our diversity makes us stronger. Maybe that’s partly what our conversation has been about — to keep proposing, even in these harrowing years, that we have space to dream, and that we can work towards repair; that there is, even now, a future where we can delight in one another, where we can savor both art and our lives.”
This week’s focus is on possibility. When was the last time you felt joy? Do you know what delights you? How would it feel to find space to rest, reset, process, unplug and forgive?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1044: Discerning
August 8, 2024 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1044: Discerning
Discerning – keen insight and good judgment; perceptive.
Do you tend to take your time when making decisions? Are you detail oriented? Are you careful and cautious? If not, how does it make you feel to be around someone who is discerning?
This word came up in conversation with my friend good Gloria, so I felt like revisiting it. David P. Snyder, the author of “How to Mind Read Your Customers” says, “Discerning people are either highly conscientious or highly steadfast. They are extremely methodical, careful, observant, and scrutinizing. If you feel you are under a microscope in their presence, you are, so be prepared for a microscopic examination. These people need facts, figures, proof, and assurance.”
“Highly conscientious people are conservative. They are controlled, especially with their thoughts and emotions. They are cautious and suspicious of strangers. They are obsessive about quality, accuracy, and details. They expect you to care about the same things they care about. Most are extremely critical and actually a lot more humble than you would think.”
“Highly steadfast people are extremely hardworking, fair, honest, reliable, trustworthy, community oriented, family oriented, and patriotic. They expect you to treat them with the same respect and honesty that you would give to members of your own family. They are loyal, dependable, good listeners, patient, composed, relaxed, and consistent.”
“Both types of discerning people are slow paced, careful, methodical, and observant. The main difference is that steadfast people are more soft-spoken and less judgmental.”
This week focus on the discerning people you come in contact with. If you are discerning as well, you should connect quite easily with them. If not, how does it make you feel to be around a slower, calmer person? How does it make you feel when people don’t make decisions as quickly as you do? Can you see the benefit of having a team of people around you who are dynamic and discerning?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1043: Ambition
August 1, 2024 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1043: Ambition
Ambition – a strong desire for success, achievement or distinction.
Do you think of yourself as having ambition? Do you have a fire in your belly to accomplish something? Do you have a plan on how you are going to achieve what you want?
Time Magazine featured an article on early signs of ambition that included several well-known celebrities. “Oprah Winfrey could read at age 2 and skipped second grade. At age 6, Tiger Woods listened to motivational tapes – I will make my own destiny – while practicing his swing in the mirror. In grade school, Martha Stewart organized and catered neighborhood birthday parties because, she says, ‘The rate of 50 cents an hour for babysitting wasn’t quite enough money.'”
“Not only do we struggle to understand why some people seem to have more ambition than others, but we can’t even agree on just what ambition is.” Anthropologist Edward Lowe, says, “Ambition is an evolutionary product. No matter how social status is defined, there are certain people in every community who aggressively pursue it and others who aren’t so aggressive.”
Dean Simonton, UC Davis says, “Ambition is energy and determination, but it calls for goals too. People with goals but no energy are the ones who wind up sitting on the couch saying ‘One day I’m going to…’ People with energy but no clear goals just dissipate themselves in one desultory project after the next.”
This week’s focus is on ambition. Do you have a strong desire for success, achievement or distinction? Do you think that ambition is learned or genetic? Is it okay to want fame or power? Do you have energy and determination when it comes to creating and achieving your goals?
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