Word-Of-the-Week #886: Generous
July 29, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #886: Generous
Generous – willing to give or share; unselfish.
Have you ever experienced a random act of kindness from someone? How did it make you feel? Have you ever done a random act of kindness?
This week features excerpts from Success Magazine “How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person” by Cecilia Meis.
“I don’t know his name, but his messy, shoulder-length hair hides a pair of hauntingly blue eyes. It’s a warm September day in New York, but he’s sitting under a mountain of ragged bits of clothing, towels and blankets. In one hand, he loosely holds a piece of string attached to the neck of a small, mangy-looking dog lying next to him. In the other hand, he clutches a nearly empty bottle of cheap vodka. His bright eyes briefly glance at me without recognition or focus. I don’t know what makes me pause.
My initial thought is to give him money, though I just avoided eye contact with the last 10 people, sputtering that I didn’t have any. And my mom’s words come to mind: “He’ll only spend it on drugs or alcohol.” So I turn to the closest Nathan’s stand and buy him a hot dog, chips and soda.
When I approach him, I feel awkward, my donation insignificant. As if I’m offering a glass of water to a man trapped in a burning building. Is he more of a ketchup or mustard guy? The absurd thought turns my face hot. What comfort will a nutritionally deficient meal with a side of dehydration be to a man who sleeps on cement and spends a life generally invisible to the world?
But when he sees my outstretched hands, he smiles, dropping the bottle and leash to accept the meal with shaky fingers. We don’t exchange any words, but his smile lingers with me.
- Can random acts of kindness actually increase and sustain happiness?
It’s only the sixth day of my month-long challenge to find the joy in making someone’s day every day, and up until now, I had felt like a failure. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but rather questioning whether seemingly small gestures were actually accomplishing my goal. Can I really find joy by giving to those around me? Can random acts of kindness actually increase and sustain happiness?
Turns out they can, but there are exceptions. To find lasting happiness through generosity requires a suppression of our ego, an analysis of our motives and a reflection on how these acts alter our perception of the world.
- How Generosity Benefits Us
As children, our parents tell us to make up for misbehaving by doing something nice for someone. As adults, we help friends move into a new house; we bring hot meals to new mothers; we might even donate time or money to local charities a few times a year. After all, it’s naturally uncomfortable to see a friend (or stranger) suffering or in need. Call it karma or mojo, but these acts are generally reciprocated. We receive tax breaks, returned meals and favors, thank-you notes. Tit for tat.
But what about pure, altruistic generosity, without the expectation of receiving something in return? Some researchers argue this type of generosity doesn’t exist. But I set out to see whether I could learn to give without the promise of getting. I made lists of various kind acts and placed reminders on my bathroom mirror, my work computer, my car dashboard: Make someone’s day today!
My first act of kindness was buying coffee for the woman behind me in the drive-thru lane at Starbucks. In fact, my first few acts were buying something for someone—lunch for an old friend, a copy of my favorite book to a stranger—but they didn’t make me feel much of anything. The recipients were grateful, but was I really making their day, and was that really boosting my happiness?
At the end of each day, I reflected how being kind made me feel. I dug for tangible proof of my growth. Some days felt more significant: buying cough syrup for the two coughing boys in pajamas at the pharmacy, for example. Their father, who had dark circles under his eyes, rubbed the bridge of his nose as his credit card was declined a second time. I couldn’t tell whether he was more embarrassed or grateful, but I like to think he slept a little easier that night, and I left the pharmacy feeling pretty good.
Admittedly I experienced some form of generosity fatigue around the second week of my challenge. It’s easy to float through the day wrapped up in our own heads, focusing only on what directly impacts us. Consciously searching for new and different ways to improve someone else’s day was more difficult than I had anticipated. We just don’t face that challenge often in society. But then when I did the nice deed, I nearly always felt a boost of happiness afterward. A 2009 study by social psychologist Jorge A. Barraza, Ph.D., and neuroscientist Paul J. Zak, Ph.D., attributes this to a release of oxytocin, the feel-good chemical in the brain.
In the late ’80s, the term “helper’s high” was used to describe the euphoria feeling associated with volunteering. Beyond happiness, generous people also experienced enhanced creativity, flexibility, resilience and being open to new information. They’re more collaborative at work; they’re able to solve complex problems more easily and they form solid, healthy relationships with others.
This week’s focus is on being more generous. Have you ever bought anything for someone you didn’t know? Do you give with no expectation of receiving something in return? How does it make you feel when you do a good deed?
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Word-Of-the-Week #885: Explain
July 22, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #885: Explain
Explain – to offer reasons for the actions, beliefs, or remarks of (oneself).
Are you clear about what your core value and beliefs are? Do you feel you have to justify yourself? Or do you have a strong need to be accepted and “fit in?”
Once again, Steve Straus, author of STEVE’S 3-MINUTE COACHING, sent a very thought provoking piece.
Principle: Explain
(Principles are basic truths that, when applied, cause success to come to you easier and quicker.)
“Life is too short to have to explain yourself.
Explaining, justifying, working to be understood, trying to be being accepted, these and other activities are a waste of your time. Thinking that you need to do them is the result of conditioning which has programmed you to play the game that way.
Instead, consider a different approach.
Who are you, really? What are your core values and beliefs? Are you clear enough to let them be shown? Or do you need to hide them so you can ‘fit in’?
What is your life, your journey about? Do you know what you want to have happen? Where you’re heading? And why?
Do you live in integrity (the Coaching definition)? It’s when what you think and feel and say and do are the same. All parts of you are in alignment.
The person – and they exist in the world in legion numbers – who has paid attention to the above points, and handled them, radiates a clear energy and message. They are who and what they are.
They don’t have to explain themselves.
Coaching Point: Been feeling the need to explain yourself lately?
See all past issues and subscribe here Steve’s 3-Minute Coaching
Copyright © 2021 Steve Straus, All rights reserved.
This week’s focus is to not have to explain yourself. Do you live in integrity? Do you radiate a clear energy and message? Are you comfortable being who and what you are?
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Word-Of-the-Week #884: Emotions
July 15, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #884: Emotions
Emotions – strong feelings.
Do you work with/for people who are genuinely concerned about your feelings? How aware are you of their feelings?
This week features another timely Neil Senturia article, “When someone at work is having a bad day, do you care enough to ask why?”
“How you doing”? The verb “are” is missing because this is how the meat butcher in Brooklyn talks to his customers when they come in the door. Linguistic accuracy is irrelevant here. What is critical and significant is that he cares enough to ask. It is the importance of “emotional acknowledgment.”
Alisa Yu, Stanford PhD candidate, has written a paper exploring this issue and her conclusion is that “it is a powerful technique which leaders can use to build trust with their employees.” Seems obvious to me, but when Stanford checks the box, I feel validated.
The power comes from the simple act of listening to the emotions of your employees and listening includes looking. When Nicole, my assistant of 29 years, is unhappy, I can see it. Then I say to her, “You seem unhappy, is there anything I can do?” She will deny feeling unhappy (she does not want to ever appear weak), but just the act of my acknowledgment is a soothing behavior. It is an unspoken dance we have. Twenty-nine years, let’s just call it compatible neuroses.
It is important here to note that even though you may notice someone’s feelings, that does not mean that they are in the mood to deal with them. You can’t turn responses on and off like a faucet, but often it is enough to simply indicate your awareness.
Nota bene: Your awareness must be presented in an authentic manner. It cannot be delivered on your way to lunch. When a leader is genuine in expressing concern for the employee, good and powerful things can result.
Yu says, “The worst thing leaders can do when employees are feeling bad is to do nothing.” I have a client on the management team of a big company, and he feels dismissed and unappreciated by the CEO. I suggest that he confront the CEO and share his “feelings.” My client rejects that idea, saying it would get him fired. I do not share that point of view, but if telling the CEO about feelings is cause for termination, then he should quit anyway.
I have another client who was promised “an ownership interest” after four years. It seems the CEO has terminal memory loss, and my client is at a crossroads. He decides to go out on his own, and he quits. The CEO is astounded and angry, “How could you leave me like this?” But the key to the puzzle is simple. The CEO has been tone-deaf emotionally for the past two years, so what does he expect?
Yu says, “When you acknowledge emotions, you humanize and validate the person being acknowledged.”
The key for the leader is to learn how to recognize emotions correctly. They are often subtle and nuanced, and you need to work at seeing the body language as well as the words that signal discomfort. The fact that you are aware and share that awareness does not obligate you to personally solve the problem. But it is meaningful to simply tell the other person that you are involved and engaged in their larger human world, beyond just the work they do.
On a personal note, I was recently “treated shabbily” financially by an old friend. My nature is to not let things fester, and I called him on it. He did not change his point of view, but I felt terrific that I had at least expressed my feelings. You need to remember that there are always two sides to emotional acknowledgment, and you can only be responsible for one of the sides.
One of my techniques for the exploration of feelings is to “act out” both sides of the dialogue. Like a tennis game between you and the other person, I try out some of the dreaded words — “I would like to discuss my role in this project” — and then pretend to be the other person and then what they might say, back and forth, with different sentences and points of view. I literally stand up and perform the entire interaction, each time with a different set of “if-then” possible answers. The result of this improvisation is that it makes the demons less fearsome and the possible paths to an understanding or at least detente, more likely.
Rule No. 671: How you feelin’?
This week’s focus is on dealing with emotions. How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings? Do you feel that leadership is genuine in expressing their concern for you? Do you trust that they have your best interest at heart?
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Word-Of-the-Week #883: Enhance
July 8, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #883: Enhance
Enhance – to raise to a higher degree.
How strong are your communication skills, both oral and written? How comfortable are you at making presentations? Could you be a better listener?
This is the follow up to last week’s LA Times article written by Career Coach Joyce E.A. Russell, “Communication skills a must–have.”
To recap: “You have to be clear and concise and get to the point quickly or you will lose your audience. When speaking, you have to have a good strong voice and moderate your voice tone to keep listeners’ attention. Practice with friends and listen to their feedback if they tell you that your oral communication skills need work. Have them listen to you on the phone or Skype to let you know how clearly you come across because these are often tools used for hiring.”
The article continues by saying, “Writing skills are also important. Too often, students lack writing skills or are not given help to improve. They get feedback on the content of their papers, but not on the actual writing itself. Very few people get training on how to compose and respond to emails, and it’s clear that the messages are teeming with problems (such as using all caps, ignoring proper grammar and spelling, and lack of professionalism).
If you find out you need to enhance your communication skills, get the help you need right away. Take a course to correct your writing skills and join Toastmaster or Dale Carnegie clubs to improve your speaking. Or try taking an improve class.
If you are already employed, see if your company offers some training in these areas. Ask someone who has strong communication skills to mentor you.
Take a sales or negotiation course – those often will provide great opportunities to practice your persuasion and influence skills. Watch TED talks to get tips for how to make a presentation.
All of us can keep practicing and improving our communication skills – whether it’s writing, presenting, listening or simply conversing with another person
This week’s focus is on how to enhance your skills. Do you edit your writing to make sure you are using proper grammar and spelling before sending? Have you ever joined Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie to improve your speaking? How much time do you spend on continuing education each month?
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Word-Of-the-Week #882: Skills
July 1, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #882: Skills
Skills – developed talents or abilities.
How effective are your communication skills? Do you have a good strong voice? Do you moderate your voice tone to keep your listeners’ attention?
I will be out of town so I’m taking the liberty of re-running this from the LA Times article written by Career Coach Joyce E.A. Russell, “Communication skills a must–have.”
“Arne Sorenson, president and chief executive of Marriott International, recently shared his views on leadership, his company and what employers are looking for in their new hires at an event at the University of Maryland’s Robert H. Smith School of Business. In the discussion, he mentioned that one of the most important things employers look for in job applicants is something that has always been core: strong communication skills, both oral and writing.”
“If you’re a master at running a spreadsheet or a financial model, but really don’t have the ability to understand the assumptions that are in it or debate the assumptions in it then you’re not going to go as far as you could go otherwise,” Sorenson said.
“He said communication skills are fundamental in reaching an audience, influencing them and sharing your message. Having analytical skills are important too, but you still have to be able to articulate in a clear and concise manner. These skills have remained important over time for all workers, and he doesn’t think that will change any time soon.
One of the most crucial communication skills is listening. You have to focus (eye contact, head nodding, asking questions) to really understand what other people have to say. Some people don’t know how to actually look at other people and give them their undivided attention, yet eye contact and demonstrating that you are truly paying attention to another person is pivotal to helping him or her feel heard. If you are fiddling with your phone, communication will break down.
When speaking, you have to have a good strong voice and moderate your voice tone to keep listeners’ attention. Sorenson emphasized that his experience as a trial lawyer probably helped him develop his strong speaking skills. You have to be clear and concise and get to the point quickly or you will lose your audience.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “Be sincere, be brief, be seated.”
Practice with friends and listen to their feedback if they tell you that your oral communication skills need work. Have them listen to you on the phone or Skype to let you know how clearly you come across because these are often tools used for hiring.”
This week’s focus is on your communication skills. Are you able to articulate in a clear and concise manner? How effective are you in influencing others? When looking at another person do you give them your undivided attention? Stay tuned….more to come next week!
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