Word-Of-the-Week #881: Gaslighting
June 24, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #881: Gaslighting
Gaslighting – manipulating (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
Do you know who Betty Broderick is? We just finished watching the Netflix miniseries and one expert witness claimed that her husband had been gaslighting her for years. Then I had a conversation with a neighbor who spoke about being gaslighted. That felt pretty eerie since it was in the same week!
So I chose this week to feature “What is Gaslighting? This type of psychological abuse leaves survivors questioning every memory they have.” It just happens to be a great follow up to Hubis last week too!
You’re overreacting. It wasn’t that bad.
You’re just being emotional.
That never happened—you’re imagining it.
Any of these accusations alone could drive a person crazy, but when they’re part of a regular barrage of criticism aimed at controlling an individual, they’re more than rude—they’re abusive.
Called “gaslighting,” this type of abuse uses statements like the above to create doubt in a person’s mind by making them think, basically, that they’re going insane, says Janie McMahan, licensed marriage and family therapist.
The name comes from a ‘30s play called Gas Light in which the main character attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights in their home, which were powered by gas, and then denies the lights are changing. (Then the movie version was released in 1944 with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer.)
This type of psychological abuse is part of the power and control found in domestic abuse, says McMahan. “Gaslighting makes [survivors] doubt themselves and not see the real issue, which is that they’re being abused.” It’s not uncommon that, after a while, a survivor will start to think, “Well, is this right? Am I really not justified in feeling this way?” says McMahan.
McMahan remembers sitting at dinner one night with a friend and her boyfriend, who was known to be emotionally abusive. “He called her ‘an f-ing bitch,’” remembers McMahan. When his girlfriend called him out on it, he replied earnestly with, “I didn’t say anything. You must be hearing things.”
Gaslighting is often found in conjunction with other types of abuse, such as physical or verbal. Abusers may try to convince the survivor that what they remember happening, in fact, never did. Or, abusers will ask their partners, “Why can’t you just get over it?”
McMahan says gaslighting may also come at the start of a relationship. Abusers want their partners to begin doubting themselves from the get-go. “They [survivors] begin thinking they’re a little bit ‘off,’ emotionally and mentally,” says McMahan. Essentially, they begin thinking they can’t trust their instincts. Their self-esteem can plummet. They feel less than the other person—less intelligent, less capable. McMahan says it can lead to the survivor not having a sense of self, believing they no longer have an identity or a voice. “It keeps them in these relationships,” McMahan says.
Lastly, know that gaslighting is a type of manipulation, says McMahan, and anyone can fall victim. “It happens across the board. It can happen to men and those in same sex relationships. Gaslighting is very subtle. It’s not until you’re pretty deep into it that you realize it.”
This week’s focus is looking for any signs of gaslighting. Has anyone in your life ever made you doubt yourself? Or told you that you overreact and/or are too emotional? Do you trust your instincts and intuition?
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Word-Of-the-Week #880: Hubris
June 17, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #880: Hubris
Hubris – unyielding arrogance.
Have you ever experienced a person who continually talks about how great they are? Do you know someone that appears to strut around with their chest puffed out as if to say, “Look at me, you should give me something for all I do?” Did you watch the 2020 election coverage? Anyone come to mind?
I love this word and so I am taking the liberty of rerunning this WOW from 2015. The first time I heard this word was when I lived in Chicago back in the ’80’s. Harold Washington, who was the mayor at that time, used this word often. I hardly ever see it in print; however, I saw it in an extensive article on human nature and genes in the San Diego Union.
Several weeks ago my WOW was pride. As it turns out, pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Surprised me! Researchers have surmised that pride is a universal trait. And one type of pride is described as hubristic. “It is more likely to occur when people attribute their success to something stable about themselves — like their ability –rather than their effort. It’s accompanied by feelings of egotism and arrogance, and people who experience it tend to be disagreeable, aggressive, hostile, narcissistic and prone to shame.”
“Hubristic pride may simply be the cheater’s version, allowing individuals to garner social esteem and reward without actually doing the work.”
This quote made me think of all of the athletes who have been accused of using performance enhancing drugs.
And Wikipedia writes this, “Hubris often indicates a loss of contact with reality and an overestimation of one’s own competence, accomplishments or capabilities.”
This week’s focus is on hubris. How would you rate your “sense of pride?” Have you ever taken credit for another’s work? Do you know someone who is arrogant and egotistical most of the time? Are they someone that you like to spend time with?
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Word-Of-the-Week #879: Manifesting
June 10, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #879: Manifesting
Manifesting – the practice of thinking aspirational thoughts with the purpose of making them real.
Do you believe in manifesting? Have you ever manifested an outcome for yourself, or tried to? Did it work?
This week features excerpts from Callie Holtermann’s article titled, “Do You Believe in Manifesting? Does this kind of positive thinking help you find hope in the face of uncertainty? Or is it just too unrealistic?
“Do you believe that it is possible to make good things happen for yourself simply by thinking about them? Have you ever tried?
If so, you are among the many members of Gen Z who practice manifesting, or “achieving material and psychic rewards through sheer force of mind.”
Do you think that this method of positive thinking is a helpful tool for coping with uncertainty, especially during the coronavirus pandemic? Or do you agree with some critics of the practice, who argue that it is an unrealistic fad embraced by misguided or entitled practitioners?
In “Manifesting, for the Rest of Us,” Ruth La Ferla writes about the manifesting trend among young people:
By the time he was 9, Jerome Lamaar had learned how to seize on his heart’s desire. “I was hoping to get my hands on the Power Ranger Flip Heads,” said Mr. Lamaar, a 35-year-old, Bronx-bred fashion designer. “I never told anyone, but I wanted these toys so bad. I sat in my room holding this scenario in my head of how I would feel when I got them.”
He had, in his New Age-tinctured phrase, “launched his dreams into the universe.” And, as he tells it, the universe heeded his call. “The very next day, my dad got me the Flip Heads,” he said. “That’s when I realized that there was something to this.”
He could not have named it at the time, but Mr. Lamaar says now that he was manifesting — achieving material and psychic rewards through sheer force of mind.
Part magical thinking, part struggle for agency at a time when it is in short supply, the practice he described, an eons-old variant of positive thinking — or at least the term that describes it — has re-entered the mainstream.
Manifesting sits alongside a smattering of belief systems — astrology, tarot, paganism and their metaphysical cousins — being resurrected by a youthful generation in the name of wellness. “For Gen Z in particular, it can be a form of self-soothing,” said Lucie Greene, a writer and trend forecaster in New York. “It’s a way to make sense of things in a moment where nothing makes sense.”
This born-again phenomenon is dismissed in some quarters as little more than a quarantine fad, “like bread baking, tie-dyeing or learning TikTok dances,” as Rebecca Jennings put it in a recent post on Vox. “Shut up I’m manifesting,” she said, “has become one of the defining memes of 2020.”
Its practitioners, in contrast, view it as a coping mechanism, a legitimate alternative that organized religion or psychotherapy may not always provide. The “law of attraction,” a belief that your experiences have a direct correlation to your thoughts, is one aspect of Princess Asata Louden’s spiritual practice. Others include journaling and meditation, which Ms. Louden, a 24-year-old dancer and graduate student at U.C.L.A., likes to perform by candlelight or near an open window.
“I also communicate with my ancestors and spirit guides,” Ms. Louden said, rituals that make her feel “divinely protected and guided.”
“Manifesting has gotten me through all of this pandemic stuff,” said Ms. Louden, who goes by the stage name Sygga. She is not religious but takes on faith “that we have this power to manipulate energy.”
The author notes that manifesting has entered the mainstream alongside practices like astrology and tarot as part of a wellness trend driven by social media. Which of these practices have you encountered, and how do you feel about them? Why do you think these practices are gaining popularity among teenagers online? Why do you think they are making a resurgence now?
If manifesting is not for you, are there other methods of self-reflection and self-care that you enjoy? Do you exercise, journal or engage in meditation or therapy? Religion or spirituality? What role do these practices play in your life?”
Well, I personally believe “What you think about, you bring about.” I have been setting intentions (which feels the same as manifesting) for over the past 30 years. They must be clearly stated and in present tense. One thing to be very careful about is thinking and talking about what you don’t want. You could just end up manifesting more of it!
This week’s focus is on manifesting. Is it realistic? Do you think that manifesting discourages people from doing the hard work necessary to accomplish most goals? Might the process of identifying and reflecting upon your goals be valuable, even if doing so does not guarantee that they will come true?
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Word-Of-the-Week #878: Optimistic
June 3, 2021 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #878: Optimistic
Optimistic – expecting the best outcome and seeing the best in all things.
Are you generally feeling more optimistic about your life? Do you expect the best outcome and see the best in all things?
This week longtime friend and subscriber Joe had this to say about last weeks WOW Savor. He wrote,
“Hope does spring eternal in our lives, and more so this year because we are slowly but surely coming out of our cocoons and sprouting wings.
Being cooped up for so long, we all want to just get out of the house and be around people. Having that human connection, when most of the time we have been texting, tweeting or emailing is something we want and need.
As I have said in previous posts, just sitting in the backyard and reading I take in all the nature around me. The sparrows and robins looking for worms in the yard. The squirrels looking for nuts and apples, the kids playing out in the park just outside of our yard. The dog next door yowling for attention. All of these things are so basic, but yet so evocative at this time of year.
All of it makes us think about how small we are in the face of mother nature. The fact that I can sit and enjoy all of this simply makes my day.
Stepping back to appreciate those simple things has helped time stand still for me. Before the pandemic we always had to be somewhere at a certain time. But since then, time has slowed down and we have been able to take our time with life and those around us.
Now that we can finally get out and about, we can give those hugs because most of us are now inoculated. And pretty soon, we can ditch the masks completely.
While it has taken some time to get back to a sense of normalcy, we have learned to appreciate the little things – and each other – that much more.
Susan, I am savoring every day.”
This week’s focus is on being optimistic! Are you feeling like your life is getting back to normal? Did you know that this particular expression “hope springs eternal” was coined by the poet Alexander Pope in An Essay on Man (1732), “Hope springs eternal in the human breast,” and very quickly became proverbial? It is human nature to keep on hoping against all odds!
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