Word-Of-the-Week #703: Validation
January 25, 2018 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #703: Validation
Validation – having your thoughts, feelings, and actions recognized and accepted by others.
Have you conditioned yourself to find validation from digital sources? Do you know that most everything you do on a screen is correlated with unhappiness? When was the last time you turned off your smartphone for any length of time?
This article by UT reporter Jennifer Van Grove, “The smartphone trap (or why it’s time to put your phone down)” just seemed to be a perfect follow up to last week. She writes, “Are we raising digital monsters? Absolutely. And everyone from parents to Facebook and society as a whole is to blame.
So instead of playing the blame game, I think the most constructive way forward is to take every opportunity we — not just parents — have to put the phone down. In the bedroom. While driving. During meals and conversations. And, perhaps most importantly, when kids are watching.
“My kids have said something about (me being on my phone),” said Catherine Wood Larsen, a local parent of two teens who I initially interviewed last week for my story on kids and devices. “I’m just like everybody else. I will sit at a red light and look at my phone. But when there are other people’s kids in the car, my phone is totally put away.”
Like most of us, she’s passively aware of the smartphone behavior she’s modeling to her kids. Still, it takes an outside social pressure — or stigma, in this case — 
to actively do something about it. Aside from modeling to younger generations a kind of life that isn’t dictated by devices, the simplest reason to go device-less is this: We are happier when we’re disconnected.
There is research that demonstrates that most everything you do on a screen is correlated with unhappiness, Jean Twenge told me when I first asked her whether we’re raising digital monsters. Twenge, a San Diego State professor of psychology and the author of “iGen,” also noted the exact opposite to be true. Most everything you do off of a screen is correlated with happiness.
Think about that the next time you default to your phone to kill time. You may not feel compelled to change your behavior just yet, but just being aware of these kind of tendencies can affect gradual change.
I speak from personal experience. A technophile for as long as I can remember, I’ve been a proud early adopter of new technologies, gadgets, social networks and everything in between. Marry that with a need to be in the know for my job and you get a sometimes shallow existence often defined by being first to spot the next big thing, and a pressure to get digital approval in the form of followers, likes and retweets.
It’s a mentally exhausting way to live. That’s why I’ve made a conscious effort in the past couple of years to pull back, particularly from social media. It hasn’t been easy, not when I’ve conditioned myself to find validation from digital sources. And not when everyone else has decided to play by the same social validation rules.
Can you blame us?
Apparently, much of the activities we engage in online — but social media in particular — incorporate the same biological reward pathways as the best activities that offline life has to offer, Twenge told me, citing the book, “Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked,” by Adam Alter. Think sex or food. Our brains, when tuned into social media, can make us feel just good.
So I’ve backed away from the social media rat race. But I still need to sort out how and when it’s appropriate to introduce my 7-year-old stepson to these services. Facebook, showing its hand a little too obviously, would say now. The company’s recently released Messenger Kids app targets the under 13 crowd. We will be avoiding it. Yet the stepson already wants an Instagram account and can’t seem to get enough of playing with Snapchat’s face filters when allowed.
That’s where things get extra tricky. “I just finished a massive research study on how social media is affecting our youth’s interpretation of beauty and self-esteem,” said Brian Solis, a principal analyst with technology research firm Altimeter Group. “It’s forcing young children to understand their place in the world (relative to their peers) and their net worth.”
Talk about setting them up for a life of disappointment.
Plus, if I’m being honest, the phone habit has been harder to kick than the social media one. I’m as a guilty as anyone who has ever pulled out her phone to avoid awkward elevator exchanges or to fill dead time.
Look, I’m not advocating for a complete smartphone or social media blackout. No one, not even Twenge, is. At this point, there is no going back.
I’d just like us to agree to be cognizant and recognize detrimental impulses when they strike. Maybe then we can actually retrain ourselves, and our kids, to put our phones down when it matters and see life beyond the screen.”
This week’s focus is on validation. How much time do you spend on social media each day? If most everything you do off of a screen is correlated with happiness why not make it a goal to spend more “Face Time” with others? Be honest, how much real validation are you getting from the social media rat race?
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Word-Of-the-Week #702: Vitality
January 18, 2018 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #702: Vitality
Vitality – the state of being strong and active; energy.
Would you like to have more vitality in your life? When was the last time you felt full of energy? When was the last time you were stopped in your tracks by the unexpected?
This week features more excerpts from Jill Suttie’s “Why Humans Need Surprise.” “Tania Luna and Leeann Renninger, authors of “Surprise: Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected” argue that surprise, whether good or bad, is important for bringing vitality to our lives.
This week features the four stages of the surprise response.
- Freeze—when we are stopped in our tracks because of the unexpected
- Find—when we get hooked into trying to understand what’s going on/how this happened
- Shift—when we begin to shift our perspectives, based on conflicting findings
- Share—when we feel the pull to share our surprises with others
Each stage can be manipulated or “hacked” to encourage more surprise in our lives. For example, when we are in the “find” phase of surprise, it can help us to adopt a stance of curiosity, asking questions rather than looking for answers right away, which can lead to worldview shifts. So, let’s say you are a Democrat and feel that all Republicans are “crazy”—then you meet a Republican and fall into a very sane, thoughtful conversation. This experience may make you stop and, if you are willing, get curious. It might even make you think about political disagreements in new ways.
Funny, I don’t think of sharing as part of surprise; but apparently, it’s a common response. According to the authors, sharing surprises with others can help us savor them even more and relieve us of what they call the “cognitive burden” of surprise—all of that finding and shifting that goes through our heads. Perhaps that’s why when I got home from my trip, I was quick to share the story of my chance encounter with my husband. In fact, if I think about it, I probably always recount surprises to someone.
Of course, negative surprises are much more challenging than positive ones—receiving a devastating diagnosis, having a car accident, or losing your job will not be a welcome change of pace. But, as Luna and Renninger argue, that doesn’t mean we can avoid them—they are a natural part of life. It is better to find ways to cope with negative surprises than to resist them. Being open to uncertainty, learning how to reframe negative experiences in more positive ways, and nurturing stable relationships are all tools we can use to recover from negative surprises more easily.
For some people, the desire to avoid all surprise is paramount, often because they fear appearing foolish or ill-prepared. But this leads to stagnation, claim the authors. “So long as we fear vulnerability, we play it safe and stop ourselves from exploring,” they write.
Luna and Renninger suggest that we all need to stop protecting ourselves from the uncertainty or fear of surprise and get out there to engineer more of it. Not only will surprise bring more vitality to our lives, it will also lead to improvements in society.
“By embracing and engineering surprise you can make our whole world richer,” they write. “You can inspire wonder, connection, vulnerability, growth, and creativity.”
I have to say my two favorite stages of surprise are the Freeze and the Share! My forever love, Chris says, “You are always looking for the pearl.” To which I say, “I don’t think you believe in oysters and I know they exist.” You just never know where you’ll find that pearl. Now I think what I am really looking for is the Freeze – things that are so unexpected they stop me in my tracks.
This week’s focus is on vitality. Can you see how surprises could bring energy to your life? How receptive are you to being open to uncertainty? How often have you shared your surprise moments with someone?
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Word-Of-the-Week #701: Surprises
January 11, 2018 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #701: Surprises
Surprises – feeling wonder, astonishment, or amazement, of things unanticipated.
When was the last time you felt wonder or amazement? Or absolutely blown away by the unexpected? And would you believe that surprises bring vitality to your life?
Long time friend Ken wrote this about Adventure, “I loved your WOW this week. It reminds me of what might still be on my bucket list!” Which triggered me to write this week’s WOW.
Some of my best surprises showed up in my travels. Like when my mother said, “You have to go to China to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers.” I had no idea what I was going to see and what an incredible surprise! Over 8000 life-size clay soldiers poised for battle along with horses and chariots were buried and found by a farmer in his field.
And then the time I was in Mexico City and went to Xochimilco dubbed the “Venice of Mexico.” Thinking I was taking a nice quiet canoe ride on a narrow canal we turned into a much wider one lined with boats filled with flowers, food, and festive mariachis. It was so much FUN we went back several months later and celebrated one of my friend’s birthdays there!
Jill Suttie, author of “Why Humans Need Surprise” says that surprise, whether good or bad, is critical for bringing vitality to our lives. She writes, “During a recent out of town vacation, I was in a restaurant having dinner alone when I overheard two women at the next table having a conversation about their children going off to college. Though I’m normally shy with strangers, I decided to butt in—I too have a college-bound senior—which led to a great conversation and an unexpected surprise: one of the women had a child at my son’s high school…and our kids knew each other! 
Delightful surprises like this can make your whole day. Of course, not all surprises are good ones—those two women could have just as easily chastised me for interrupting their conversation.
But in the book “Surprise: Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected,” Tania Luna and Leeann Renninger argue that surprise, whether good or bad, is important for bringing vitality to our lives. Their book explores the science and practice of engineering surprise—whether at work, at home, or in our relationships—and provides a pathway to living life with more engagement and wonder.
Why is surprise important? It turns out that surprise works on the dopamine system in our brains, helping us to focus our attention and inspiring us to look at our situation in new ways.
This week I want you to think about delightful surprises you’ve had. Does the memory bring a smile to your face? How about that feeling of amazement? Can you imagine a life where you embrace the unpredictable and engineer the unexpected?
Stay tuned…Next week I will share more reasons why surprises are good for you!
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Word-Of-the-Week #700: Supportive
January 4, 2018 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #700: Supportive
Supportive – providing encouragement or emotional help.
Do you typically make New Year’s Resolutions? How successful have you been in attaining those? How would it feel to focus on having supportive people around you?
WebMD’s posting, “In One Year, Out the Other. This year, try giving resolutions a rest and just do your best,” struck me as pretty good advice.
“Here’s a New Year’s resolution anyone can keep: Resolve not to make any more New Year’s resolutions.
Now, wasn’t that easy?
If you’re trying to pay down your credit cards, quit smoking, get a new job, find a mate, or shed some excess poundage, abandoning New Year’s resolutions 
won’t get you off the hook.
But by setting more realistic goals for yourself and not limiting yourself to a once-a-year, do-or-die, all-out assault on that Everest of debt, those flabby thighs, or the hideous wallpaper you keep meaning to replace, you may find that the finish line isn’t so far away after all.
Or as the Rolling Stones put it, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need.”
“New Years after New Years, millions of Americans make a resolution to go on a diet, and a diet is a way of eating that feels so depriving that you can hardly wait to get to the end of it so you can go back to doing what you did before,” says Elizabeth Zelvin, LCSW, an online therapist who helps people with eating disorders. And that’s a BIG fat problem! (No pun intended) The saying goes, “If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you always got.”
What if you found “you just might get what you need” from a little support? My goal this year is surround myself with people who provide encouragement and emotional help. And just so you know, they are the ones that are “uppers” not “downers.” Truly supportive people want to see you succeed! Just look at how successful AA and Weight Watchers are. It’s much easier to stay focused on your goal when you have encouragement and emotional help.
This week’s focus is about surrounding yourself with supportive people. What do you want help with? Who can you connect with that can make that happen? And lastly, how realistic are your goals for the coming year?
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