Word-Of-the-Week #703: Validation

January 25, 2018 by  

Validationhaving your thoughts, feelings, and actions recognized and accepted by others.

Have you conditioned yourself to find validation from digital sources? Do you know that most everything you do on a screen is correlated with unhappiness? When was the last time you turned off your smartphone for any length of time?

This article by UT reporter Jennifer Van Grove, “The smartphone trap (or why it’s time to put your phone down)” just seemed to be a perfect follow up to last week. She writes, “Are we raising digital monsters? Absolutely. And everyone from parents to Facebook and society as a whole is to blame. 

So instead of playing the blame game, I think the most constructive way forward is to take every opportunity we — not just parents — have to put the phone down. In the bedroom. While driving. During meals and conversations. And, perhaps most importantly, when kids are watching. 

“My kids have said something about (me being on my phone),” said Catherine Wood Larsen, a local parent of two teens who I initially interviewed last week for my story on kids and devices. “I’m just like everybody else. I will sit at a red light and look at my phone. But when there are other people’s kids in the car, my phone is totally put away.” 

Like most of us, she’s passively aware of the smartphone behavior she’s modeling to her kids. Still, it takes an outside social pressure — or stigma, in this case — to actively do something about it. Aside from modeling to younger generations a kind of life that isn’t dictated by devices, the simplest reason to go device-less is this: We are happier when we’re disconnected. 

There is research that demonstrates that most everything you do on a screen is correlated with unhappiness, Jean Twenge told me when I first asked her whether we’re raising digital monsters. Twenge, a San Diego State professor of psychology and the author of “iGen,” also noted the exact opposite to be true. Most everything you do off of a screen is correlated with happiness. 

Think about that the next time you default to your phone to kill time. You may not feel compelled to change your behavior just yet, but just being aware of these kind of tendencies can affect gradual change. 

I speak from personal experience. A technophile for as long as I can remember, I’ve been a proud early adopter of new technologies, gadgets, social networks and everything in between. Marry that with a need to be in the know for my job and you get a sometimes shallow existence often defined by being first to spot the next big thing, and a pressure to get digital approval in the form of followers, likes and retweets. 

It’s a mentally exhausting way to live. That’s why I’ve made a conscious effort in the past couple of years to pull back, particularly from social media. It hasn’t been easy, not when I’ve conditioned myself to find validation from digital sources. And not when everyone else has decided to play by the same social validation rules. 

Can you blame us? 

Apparently, much of the activities we engage in online — but social media in particular — incorporate the same biological reward pathways as the best activities that offline life has to offer, Twenge told me, citing the book, “Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked,” by Adam Alter. Think sex or food. Our brains, when tuned into social media, can make us feel just good. 

So I’ve backed away from the social media rat race. But I still need to sort out how and when it’s appropriate to introduce my 7-year-old stepson to these services. Facebook, showing its hand a little too obviously, would say now. The company’s recently released Messenger Kids app targets the under 13 crowd. We will be avoiding it. Yet the stepson already wants an Instagram account and can’t seem to get enough of playing with Snapchat’s face filters when allowed. 

That’s where things get extra tricky. “I just finished a massive research study on how social media is affecting our youth’s interpretation of beauty and self-esteem,” said Brian Solis, a principal analyst with technology research firm Altimeter Group. “It’s forcing young children to understand their place in the world (relative to their peers) and their net worth.” 

Talk about setting them up for a life of disappointment. 

Plus, if I’m being honest, the phone habit has been harder to kick than the social media one. I’m as a guilty as anyone who has ever pulled out her phone to avoid awkward elevator exchanges or to fill dead time. 

Look, I’m not advocating for a complete smartphone or social media blackout. No one, not even Twenge, is. At this point, there is no going back. 

I’d just like us to agree to be cognizant and recognize detrimental impulses when they strike. Maybe then we can actually retrain ourselves, and our kids, to put our phones down when it matters and see life beyond the screen.”

This week’s focus is on validation. How much time do you spend on social media each day? If most everything you do off of a screen is correlated with happiness why not make it a goal to spend more “Face Time” with others? Be honest, how much real validation are you getting from the social media rat race?

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