WOW Word-Of-the-Week #443: Stubborn
January 31, 2013 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on WOW Word-Of-the-Week #443: Stubborn
Stubborn – refusing to give up; persistent.
Are there ever times that you are stubborn? Do you tend to be persistent and not give up when you want something? Have you ever wondered where that trait comes from?
Last Sunday US Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor spoke at USD. John Wilkens from the UT wrote, “Determined, resilient, strong-willed – that’s how people often characterize Sonia who grew up poor in a Bronx neighborhood ravaged by drugs and crime.
She uses a different word to describe herself: ‘Stubborn.’
“It’s that refusal to give up. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had it,” she said. “The stubbornness – I wasn’t always admired for it. My mother thought I was a living terror. But it was to a purpose. It was the engine that drove me.”
Sotomayer has just released her memoir titled “My Beloved World.” While the book doesn’t offer much insight to her legal reasoning it is a candid, revealing look at a life of obstacles overcome and opportunities seized.
“She’s the daughter of Puerto Rican immigrants, raised in a neighborhood where she was told to use the elevators in buildings because the stairwells had muggers and drug addicts. She writes about her cousin Nelson, her best friend growing up. According to her, he was the smarter of the two, but he got hooked on heroine and died of AIDS before he hit 30. She sometimes wonders why she was able to escape the dangers that consumed him.”
She writes about her lifelong “existential independence” saying, “It came from perceiving the adults around me as unreliable, and without it I felt I wouldn’t have survived. I cared deeply for everyone in my family, but in the end I depended on myself.”
This week’s focus is about being persistent and not giving up. Where in your life do you need to be a bit more stubborn? Can you remember any time in your life where you questioned those who thought they were best in charge of your life? What is the word that best describes “the engine that moves you?”
Reader Responses
“I am certainly stubborn, and so is my four-year-old daughter. I jokingly tell friends that my daughters get their genius and good looks from their mother, but they get their curiosity and stubbornness from their father. If I am pushed by those who do not have my best interests at heart, my stubbornness will come to the fore. And speaking of my daughters, I have stubbornly refused to get them a dog because I will be the one who has to not only walk the dog twice a day, but clean up after him. I tell my daughters that they are the ones who will wind up NOT taking care of the dog. Also, we have a cat. And one animal in the house is plenty. I also am stubborn on principle. If it is something that I strongly believe in, then I will put my foot down and firmly. So, I admit to being stubborn, but I am not stubborn to a fault. I will not be so stubborn that I don’t admit fault or won’t change. So, I come by my stubbornness honestly, as does my daughter. Enjoy the Super Bowl this weekend, Susan. I like Baltimore to defeat San Francisco 27-24 in a closely fought game. Hopefully the game will be as entertaining as the commercials. – “Warrior” Joe
WOW Word-Of-the-Week #442: Honest
January 24, 2013 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on WOW Word-Of-the-Week #442: Honest
Honest – truthful: displaying integrity.
Do you think it is okay to tell a “little white lie?” Have you ever caught someone not being truthful? What did you do about it?
This week’s WOW is courtesy of Lance Armstrong who finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. LA Times featured a front page article by Melissa Healy titled, “LIKE HIM, WE ARE ALL LIARS: Armstrong’s deceit is not so different from ours, experts say.” She writes, “Though we profess to hate it, lying is common, useful and pretty much universal. It is one of the most durable threads in our social fabric and an important bulwark of our self-esteem. We start lying by the age of 4 and we do it at least several times a day, researchers have found. And we get better with practice.”
Robert Feldman, dean of social and behavioral sciences at the University of Massachusetts, is a leading researcher on lying. He says, “People lie because it works. We get away with it all the time. Usually they’re minor: ‘I love your tie.’ ‘You did a great job.’ But in some cases they’re bigger, and in Armstrong’s case, he was pretty sure he could get away with it.”
Healy goes on to say, “It’s not easy to lie, deceit requires mental exertion for most of us. The effort to reconcile a lie with the truth takes a huge amount of brain power. To lie in the first place, as well as to keep the going over time, requires two things: motivation and justification. Whether the motivation is money, fame, status, or the high esteem of others, it must be counterbalanced with enough justification that we can sustain our image of ourselves as good people.”
“For Lance the decision to lie could have been easy. With much to gain – and hence high motivation – he could tell himself he was inspiring people with his story of triumph over cancer; that he was using his fame and money to help cancer patients and find a cure; that he was universally admired for his grit and his skill as an athlete and a team leader. And he probably drew on these lofty accomplishments to justify his denial of using performance enhancing drugs.”
Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” I don’t like to lie and so I don’t. My integrity is too important! I came up with a rule for my 94 year-old dad several years ago. And that is “there are no rules.” If you want to make plans and change your mind that is OK. You won’t hurt my feelings. I say that to our grand-kids too.
This week’s focus is being honest. Do you feel a need to tell a “little white lie” for fear of hurting someone’s feelings? How much time do you spend “making up a story? How would it feel to just tell the truth?
Reader Responses
“I have told lies in the past to keep people from getting hurt. So, I have a rationale, just like Lance Armstrong. What we see more of in our time are the lies of omission. Where someone – it could be a politician, a celebrity an athlete – is asked a general question that does not get at the real truth – and either answers it or finds a way not to answer it. Politicians are great at talking around questions, instead of actually answering the question. Many times the questions are too general, leaving a way out for the politician. So, he or she can say that when I was asked the question, I answered it. As you noted in your post, Lance Armstrong justified his behavior by all of those people he was helping with Livestrong. But even if he did not win those races, he could still have helped people with his organization. He would have been revered and even more respected had he not won seven Tours de France in a row. The fact that he prepared, practiced and competed year in and year out would have impressed enough people all over the world. Many athletes use the same rationalizations when it comes to their private lives. And it is too bad. We need more athletes like the late St. Louis Cardinal Hall of Famer Stan Musial, who was the first Major League player to earn $100,000 in a season. After a less than stellar 1963 season, he told the St. Louis management that he had not performed up to his expectations for the season. He GAVE BACK 20 percent of his salary to management. I don’t think there are any players today who would do that. Lies do catch up to all of us, especially if we keep inventing new ones to cover the old ones. If we can be straightforward the first time, we don’t have to worry ourselves about what we said and when. We will sleep a lot better at night and live a longer, happier life.” – “Warrior” Joe
WOW Word-Of-the-Week #441: Decisive
January 17, 2013 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on WOW Word-Of-the-Week #441: Decisive
Decisive – the ability to make decisions quickly.
When it comes to making decisions would you say you are decisive? Do you have a tendency to not want to deal with or avoid difficult situations? Do you like solving challenges quickly?
Long time reader Joe had this to say in response to my WOW #435 on Priorities.
“My top priorities are my wife and daughters. They come before anyone and anything else. As for work priorities, when there are numerous projects that have to be completed, I always do those that have to be completed first and the soonest. Then I go in order. There have been times in the past when because of a CHANGE IN MY SCHEDULE(!) I forgot to study for a couple of tests in my freshman or sophomore year of college. On both of the exams I believed that I received grades of D. It happens.
Getting priorities straight is a lot easier said than done for a lot of people. The bottom line is that it takes a COMMITMENT and DECISIVENESS. If both of those things are in the equation, it is a lot easier to set 
priorities in our lives.
Then I found a very good article on Decisiveness on Dr. Harman’s website. He writes, “From the strength of a decision you then have the ability to act. Leadership requires that you are able to make key decisions effectively. Decisiveness then simply means being the leader of your own life. Decisiveness is both a skill you can build and an internal state you can summon when you need it.
The reason people aren’t decisive isn’t because that is an effective strategy for problem solving. Indecisive people act that way simply because they assume others will make better decisions for them. These people end up being subjected to the whims of others and have to rely on the thinking power of others to survive.
Being decisive is simply the most rational way to take on any problem. You observe the information you have available and then you decide what would be the most successful course of action. If it is possible to get more information, you decide how to get it. If you can’t get more data, you simply decide with the facts available.
This week’s focus is on being decisive. Do you want to be the leader of your own life or the follower? Who do you think knows better and is more wiser than you when it comes to making decisions? If you are unsatisfied with your any part of your life what are going to do about it?
Reader Responses
“This and your “self talk” word of the week totally speaks to me! These are the montra’s I’ve been working on with myself and your words of support reinforce these wonderfully! It’s amazing that I spent a lot of my life thinking “that others would make better decisions for me”. Better late than never I’m really realizing my potential and self worth. Thank you for the continued positive “FUN-Damentals” and words of inspiration! We need more people like you in this world to help everyone be inspired to realize their own potential.” – Amy
“First, thank you for including my comments in your WOW! I appreciate it. As for being decisive, life is too short to spend time going back and forth before finally deciding what to do. As Yoda said in Star Wars, “Either do or don’t; there is no TRY.” Those who are indecisive are usually those people who have had others in their lives make their decisions for them. They have not thought for themselves in their lives, and as a result they are lost for the rest of their lives. With every decision there is the risk of being wrong or failing. But that is part of life. Every decision we make there is a consequence. If we simply sit there and don’t decide, then we don’t move forward. Yes or no. Today is the day. Get with the program. If we don’t decide, life passes us by. Those have not made decisions in their lives wind up behind everyone else in this great big world. My wife does not like those who are indecisive. She wants people, especially whom she deals with in banking and retail, to make up their minds. It drives her nuts when people will not decide. Many times people who can’t make up their minds or put off decisions, are not confident enough in their own abilities to do something. So, just do it and learn to live with the consequences. That is life.” – “Warrior” Joe
Sade Receives Recognition Award
January 10, 2013 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Sade Receives Recognition Award
I wanted to let you all know how well Sade is doing since graduating. She had two job offers within the first 2 weeks. One was full time and the other was part time. The part time job was the one she wanted and I told her, “If you work hard and prove yourself you will have a full time position in 6 months.” Well, she had it in two weeks!
Then she called me to tell me she was recognized at the Holiday Luncheon. The only problem was she was not there. She said, “My colleague called me to tell me to hurry up and get there. But I couldn’t make it because I was too busy taking care of my client. I missed my standing ovation and award because I was doing my job.”
The following is the statement that her Program Director sent to the other office members.
Holiday Party Recognition Statement – December 13, 2012
“I would like to recognize one of our new Kinship Case Managers, Sade Burell, for her great work ethic and positive attitude.
Before coming to work for YFS in June of this year, Sade had personal experience with foster and kinship care and was also a participant in the YFS Turning Point Program. At the age of 18, Sade came to Turning Point with few independent living skills and no money in the bank, but worked with a staff member there for 18 months and learned how to budget her money and take care of herself. She says that she still implements many of the rules and lessons from Turning Point in her own home now. After graduating from the program, Sade went on to earn her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work and is now applying for MSW programs.
In her current role at YFS, Sade serves grandparents and other relatives raising children, helping to prevent other youth from entering on re-entering formal foster care. I’m recognizing her today because in the last 6 months Sade has learned her hob duties quickly, joined a task force for professionals who were formerly involved with Child Welfare System as youth, always volunteers to help out with support groups, holiday events, and anything else I need help with, and always comes to work with a great attitude. Working with her daily inspires me to stay positive and always look for the good in difficult situations and I want to thank her for that and for all her hard work with the Kinship Program!”
I am so proud of Sade and all that she has accomplished. She will always be a part of my life!
WOW Word-Of-the-Week #440: Self Talk
January 9, 2013 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on WOW Word-Of-the-Week #440: Self Talk
Self Talk – the positive and negative thoughts you feed yourself daily.
Have you ever thought about what percentage of your “self talk” is positive? Do you ever have an idea that you think is good and then talk yourself out of it? Or worse yet, have a friend or family member does that for you?
This week’s WOW comes from Roxana Popescu’s “feel good” story in the San Diego UT titled “SUCCESS STORY SHOWS IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.” She writes, “For much of her life, Peg Marcus lived by two sacrosanct syllables: You can’t.
You can’t finish high school because we need you for baby-sitting, her father told her in the 10th grade. So she dropped out to care for her six younger siblings. The lived in the Rust Belt, where the men worked in factories and the women cared for the little ones. You can’t change the way things have been done for generations.
The younger siblings grew up, but the refrain stayed the same: You can’t go to college, Marcus told herself then, because you need to take care of you children now. You can’t go back to school, she repeated after those children had grown, because you’re too old now. Somehow half of her life flew by before Marcus, now 62, discovered two other syllables: Why not?
Long story short, her formula for success is rigorous. She says, “We can aspire to do and be what we want to be and do it. It takes finding the right route. It takes finding the right resources. It takes a lot of drive and determination. It takes an attitude of ‘I’m not going to give up.’
The article goes on to read, “Getting there took decades of hard work on herself. She struggled with depression, obesity, low self-esteem, fibromyalgia and a drinking problem, but every challenge brought her closer to where she is today. Some changes she made along the way: Letting go of negative thoughts, releasing fears of judgment by others and embracing the belief that she deserves the same joys and privileges she always wished for others.”
In 2012, she graduated from Grossmont College with an associate degree in social and behavioral sciences. Her new goal is to pursue a second associate degree, to study occupational therapy, which she plans to turn into a career.
This week’s focus is on your “self talk.” How hard is it for you to let go of negative thoughts? How affected are you by other peoples judgments? Do you believe that you deserve the same joys and privileges that others have? How would it feel to turn “you can’t” into “why not?
Reader Responses
“I learned a long time ago not to pay attention to people telling me that I COULD NOT DO something. In many instances, those are the people who did not want to see me move forward in my life. In almost every instance, they did not have what it took to succeed. I was always taught by my mother to look at the positive side to every situation and to try to find the good in other people. Obviously, it is easy to see the negatives in others; those are very prominent. But what is it that makes people tick and become successful. Those are the traits that we should try to bring out in our relationships. People who tell others they can’t do something, or that it is impossible, either have not accomplished anything in their lives or don’t know how. I avoid those people as often as possible. I have always been confident enough in my own abilities to know what I can do. I am also realistic enough to realize my own limitations, but I don’t allow those limitations to limit me, or to put blinders on my ambitions. I have always found another way. That is the bottom line.” – “Warrior” Joe