Word-Of-the-Week #1080: Achievement
May 1, 2025 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1080: Achievement
Achievement – something that has been accomplished, esp by hard work.
What achievements have you made in your life? What would like to accomplish this year? Do you feel envy when you compare yourself to others achievements?
This week features “Late bloomers in a world that values early success” by UT San Diego columnist Neil Senturia.
“My father’s opinion of the likelihood of my achieving early success (and in fact any success) caused him to comfort his son with the words, “You’ll be a late bloomer.” It was a kind way of lowering his expectations of me to the level of a Walmart greeter.
Forbes magazine publisher Rich Karlgaard has some thoughts that make it very clear that the popular hyped millennial mantra of “having to make it before you are 30, otherwise, you might as well commit hari-kiri” is actually total nonsense, as argued in his new book, “The Power of Patience in a World Obsessed with Early Achievement.” Karlgaard says that although he went to Stanford, (“I barely got through”), after graduation he was both confronted and challenged by the amazing apparent trajectories that his classmates were embarking on. “I remember a low moment, here I am a 25-year-old Stanford grad and the best job I could get after college was as a security guard at a trucking company.”
Readers — pause and reflect. Then admit that all of us have had the demon of envying our peers who seem to be ahead of us in the race (where and why we are racing is for another column). Karlgaard says he was walking the perimeter with a flashlight, while “his professional colleague” in the yard next door was nothing more than a Rottweiler. Three months later, Steve Jobs would take Apple public.
I want to ask Karlgaard what his parents said to him at that time. Did they tell him that they loved him regardless and to hang in and that blooming was right around the corner? Or did they see themselves (and their son) as the failures? This is hard stuff. Some of us are early rock stars, but most of us have “gifts that go undiscovered” until later — or if ever. Karlgaard talks about the “early achievement conveyor belt” and the potential anxiety, depression and even suicide that occur if you are not on that path. I am confessing now and forever that I have seen those demons up close and personal.
Rule No. 613
Can I interest you in a watering can?
The twin paths of computer science and Wall Street finance are the quickest route to early recognition. Those skills develop earlier than what Karlgaard calls “fully functioning mature adults,” who more deeply express the traits of curiosity, resilience and equanimity. Companies say they want those core values but the problem is that they don’t always hire for them in the beginning. It turns out that those seemingly clear early performance markers — GPA and SAT scores — become increasingly irrelevant over time.
Karlgaard supports his premise by turning to the real science of how and when the brain develops. The high frequency hedge fund trader brain peaks in the 20s and 30s; deeper pattern recognition, empathy and compassion peak during the 40s and 50s; and finally as we age, we finally head toward “exhibiting wisdom.” Karlgaard says that late bloomers tend to find their own path, which in turn leads them to the place where this late blooming occurs. He calls it the intersection of talent, passion, grit, density and finally mission. Wow.
The question is a simple one, but not easily answered. How do we find a way to allow our children the time to find their bloom? He argues for encouraging a gap year after high school graduation — time to wander, to stray from the path, to leave the conveyor belt, to get lost and then finally to discover your way. He even touches the third rail of mandatory military or civil service (Israel, Switzerland and Singapore). He argues that “not everyone should go to a four-year college,” and he supports “shop class.” My favorite memory from high school was building a model wooden sailboat (which I still have).
Finally, his book turns to parenting, the eternal dilemma, but the emerging neurological and cognitive science point solidly to the fact that “we have multiple decades in which to come into our own.” The glib mantra of “quitters never win, winners never quit” is complete madness. We all know that letting go and walking away can be transformative. We all can be reinvented and embrace the pivot. There are always second chances, but they only appear and bloom when they are good and ready.”
This week’s focus is on achievement. Do you believe that you’re a failure if you haven’t “made it before your 30?” Are you guilty of trying to put your children or family members on the “early achievement conveyor belt?” What if you or someone you know is a late bloomer? How would it feel to have more recognition, empathy, and compassion which comes with age?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1079: Balance
April 24, 2025 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1079: Balance
Balance – proper prioritization between work (career and ambition) and lifestyle (health, pleasure, leisure, family).
Do you feel you have the support of your family and friends? Have your created times in your day for taking a break? What is your favorite form of creative expression?
I am traveling for the next three weeks so I picked past WOW’s that spoke to me This week features excerpts from, “What burnout really is. And ways to prevent it,” by Angela Haupt.
“There’s a lot of overlap between burnout and stress, said Inger Burnett-Zeigler, a clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University. But burnout is the result of “exposure to prolonged stress,” she emphasized – not just one or two taxing days at work.
The pandemic was a perfect breeding ground for the syndrome to fester: “When we think about burnout in the context of COVID, I personally can relate,” Burnett-Zeigler said. “And I know a lot of folks I work with were under extreme stress, working longer hours, balancing work with child-care responsibilities, having back-to-back meetings and adjusting to working in a different environment.”
Though most research has focused on burnout in the workplace, some experts, like Nagoski, are adamant that burnout isn’t just an occupational hazard: It can happen to anyone. There’s no estimate of how many Americans are burned out, but anecdotally it became more prevalent during the pandemic.
- Dealing with burnout
Though the onus primarily is on employers, there are still ways for burned-out folks to recharge and recover. Here are some tips from experts:
- Seek support from friends and family. “Self-care cannot be the cure for burnout,” Nagoski said. “Burnout is all of us caring for each other.” Aim to be surrounded by a “protective bubble of love,” she said: people who will remind you of your value and who you can lean on as you work through your burnout.
- Take breaks. Build these into your daily schedule, Burnett-Ziegler said. Spend your breaks resting or doing something you really enjoy, like reading a favorite book or going for a swim. Take vacations or, when needed, even longer time off from work.
After Sides felt like she hit a wall last year, she took a “massive step back” and temporarily shut down her online business. Within a few months, she said, she felt like she had the clarity and energy again to resume working.
- Prioritize exercise for well-being. We often exercise because of social pressures such as achieving the so-called perfect body. In that context, working out might not help relieve stress, Nagoski said. But judgment-free exercise can. Think “dancing to Beyoncé in the kitchen or punching something in the basement,” she said. Do it for yourself, not to meet anyone else’s expectations of you.
- Build transitions into your day. At the end of every workday, Weiss knows she could easily log a few more hours – but she’s clear about her values, such as spending time with her kids. She recommends implementing a routine that can help you transition from your work persona into home mode.
“Maybe that’s walking the dog or putting on a soundtrack as you close your work for the day or taking some mindful breaths,” she said. “It’s something that reminds you why the rest of your life matters and not to sacrifice that.”
- Get creative. Painting, writing poetry, sewing and any other form of creative expression are terrific ways to push through the chronic stress that defines burnout, Nagoski said. Working with your hands helps you “burn up all your feelings,” she said, by allowing you to channel your emotions into an object or process.
This week’s focus is on balance. How good are you at transitioning between work and home life? Have you prioritized exercise for your well-being? Do you feel your friends and family surround you with a “protective bubble of love”?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1078: Thoughts
April 17, 2025 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1078: Thoughts
Thoughts – the things that you think about.
Would you agree that negative thoughts are just symptoms of a low state of mind? Can you see thoughts for what they are, and that you can choose whether or not to give them credibility?
This week features “It’s Just a Thought” by Bill Marvin, The Restaurant Doctor.
“Are you training yourself to be incompetent?
We talk to ourselves all the time. What we say — and what we believe about it — makes a difference in who we are, who we become … and perhaps, in who OTHER people become.
- “I’m no good at math.”
- “I can’t figure those things out.”
- “This business grinds you down.”
- “I don’t have time for that.”
- “I am such an idiot.”
- “______ is such a screw-up.”
- “You always get that wrong.”
- … the list is endless.
Innocent talk, right? I mean, all these statements are true when you say them … aren’t they?
Not necessarily. Truth is, they’re only thoughts — just a few more bubbles out of the bubble machine. When you can see them as no more than that, you can choose whether or not they’re worth taking seriously.
But we tend to believe that because we THINK something is a certain way, that’s the way it really is. Say it often enough and you’ll become attached to the thought. You’ll take it very seriously and defend it to others .. but it’s still only a stray thought.
Just like weights on a balloon, hanging on to all those negative thoughts drags down your mood. As your mood [state of mind] drops, the world looks more hostile, you feel more insecure and it reinforces the negative thoughts.
Negative thoughts are just symptoms of a low state of mind. For example, when you’re “having a bad day,” EVERYTHING seems like a disaster, doesn’t it?. On the other hand, when you’re in love [a high state of mind] … NO PROBLEMS!
The world doesn’t change, but how it looks to you changes based upon where your eyeballs are … and that’s merely a function of your own thinking.
When you see thoughts for what they are, you can choose whether or not to give them credibility. When you don’t take negative thoughts too seriously (“Hmm, that’s a weird idea. What’s next?”) they cease to have any lasting impact.
As a result, you stay more positive and live in a world of greater possibility. You see lapses in yourself and others as just innocent symptoms of undeveloped skills, a minor lapse easily addressed and improved.
- Here’s an idea:
People often feel overwhelmed when they start a new job in a new place with a new culture and new co-workers. What if you pulled a new hire aside at the end of their first day and said something like, “I’m so glad to have you on the team. I can see you’re really going to be great at this.”
About then it’s what they really need to hear … and your quiet reassurance will greatly improve the odds they’ll stick with it and excel.”
This week’s focus is on thoughts. Do you believe that because you think something is a certain way, that’s the way it really is? How would it feel to not take negative thoughts too seriously? Can you imagine living in a world of greater possibilities?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1077: Angst
April 10, 2025 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1077: Angst
Angst – a feeling of anxiety or apprehension.
How well do you handle the feeling of uncertainty? Do you imagine the worst-case scenario?
This week features excerpts from “Why Uncertainty Makes Us So Anxious, and How to Deal With It,” by Kathleen Doheny.
“Uncertainty is all around us. Layoffs loom; recession is possible. Will bird flu spread? Is your cough just a cold or something worse?
Uncertainty can leave you worried, scared, and angry. And that’s natural. It’s also stressful, but experts say you can learn to deal with all the what-ifs and reduce that stress.
Fear of the unknown underlies anxiety, psychologists say. Our brain views uncertainty as danger since there’s no way to know what’s coming up. “Our ancestors needed to be cautious about being in unpredictable situations in order to stay safe,” said Jacqueline K. Gollan, PhD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago. “But in today’s world, this response can be overwhelming as we face all types of uncertainty.”
Gollan tells anxious patients: “The anxiety response isn’t a sign of something wrong with you. It’s actually your brain acting like it’s supposed to.” The key, she said, is “learning to work with the natural responses rather than fighting them.’’
We can’t eliminate uncertainty, but we can build our capacity to deal with it. Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine in New York City, calls it “building that muscle of tolerating uncertainty.”
To build your tolerance: Learn what you can control, calmly assess risk, and avoid imagining worst-case scenarios.
- What’s Your Reaction to Uncertainty?
Some people can tolerate uncertainty better than others, Gollan said. Mental health providers have a scale to measure that.
According to some research, the more uncertainty you’re faced with, the higher the stress. In one often-quoted study, participants who were told they had a 50% chance of getting an electric shock were the most stressed, while those who were told they had either a zero chance or a 100% chance were the least stressed.
Gallagher has observed two unhelpful reactions from patients who aren’t tolerant of uncertainty: Some avoid situations where there is uncertainty; others become hypervigilant.
A parent concerned about the possibility of a school shooting, for instance, might seek certainty that it won’t happen at her child’s school. One approach would be to pull the child out of school and home-school. Another would be to be hypervigilant, asking about protocols and trying to control the possibility — which isn’t entirely possible.
“We want some predictability and control,” Gallagher said. “We are trying to make meaning of our world. But that’s not how a lot of life works.”
- Know What You Can’t Control
It’s crucial to let go of what Gallagher calls the “illusion of control.” A patient worried about contracting the norovirus, for instance, might obsessively wash his hands, avoid social gatherings, bleach down the walls at home, and avoid restaurants. What happens? “Your world gets smaller, your anxiety gets bigger,” said Gallagher. And you may contract the highly contagious virus anyway.
One option: Shift your mindset, reasoning that if the sickness happens, you will handle it the best you can, she said. “When you start to avoid [situations], you actually teach your brain you can’t handle things and you feel worse.”
- Staying in the Present
“The problem with tending to uncertainty is that it typically brings us into the future,” Gallagher said. “Being in the present is such a good antidote to our anxiety. If you find you are only predicting negative outcomes, ask: ‘What could go right?”
The practice of mindfulness is one strategy to stay “in the moment,” experts agree. Practicing it can be as simple as taking a walk without looking at your phone, but rather noticing the breeze and scenery, Gallagher said.
It might help to recall past uncertain situations that you handled, Gallagher said. Whenever uncertainty feels overwhelming, think back to those situations, she advised: “It’s important to remind ourselves of our capability to handle things.”
This week’s focus is on overcoming angst. Do you suffer from the “illusion of control?” How often do you allow yourself to just focus and be in the present? How would it feel to build that muscle of tolerating uncertainty?
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Word-Of-the-Week #1076: Confidence
April 3, 2025 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #1076: Confidence
Confidence – belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities.
Do you have confidence in yourself? Do you tend to second guess yourself? When confronted with problems or challenges do you believe you have the power and ability to handle them?
Steve Strauss, author of STEVE’S 3-MINUTE COACHING, once again has great insight to share.
Principle: Confidence
(Principles are basic truths that, when applied,
cause success to come to you easier and quicker.)
“Confidence feels pretty good, doesn’t it? A warm, things-are-possible; enjoyable, moving forward, free kind of feeling. Here are two aspects of confidence.
First, how do you get or have confidence?
Surprisingly it’s not about learning stuff; confidence is not about knowledge. Sure, it always helps to learn and understand, that’s a common topic here in S3MC, but learning about confidence does not cause it, it must be experienced.
The two great experiential teachers of
confidence are — successes and failures.
In other words, feedback. The feedback which comes from actions attempted. You either got what you wanted (aka success) or you didn’t (aka failure). The more your actions lead to what you want the more you gain confidence in a particular area. Paying attention to the feedback, rather than judging yourself, quickens your journey up the confidence curve.
Second, what keeps us from gaining and feeling confidence? It’s the part of the above mentioned feedback which has been labeled as ‘failure.’
For most people, aided by a culture’s focus on being number1, failure (not being numero uno) is too painful to contemplate, so no attempt is made. Thus, no confidence is developed. Some people seem to live by a no-try-no-cry model.
The more you focus on the powerful and beneficial effect of confidence, the more you’ll try, the more feedback you’ll get, the more pleasing outcomes you’ll experience, the more confidence you’ll develop. Then you discover that confidence is a marvelous, clean, uplifting source of energy.
Coaching Point: Do you pause from time to time to experience, even wallow in, the feeling of confidence?
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This week’s focus is on confidence. Do you have confidence in yourself? Do you feel confident doing your job? If at first you don’t succeed, will you try, try again?
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