Word-Of-the-Week #973: Language
March 30, 2023 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #973: Language
Language – communication of thoughts and feelings.
Do you know what your perfect day would look like? Do you feel you have satisfying emotional connections?
This week features the second half of “Do you know the 5 love languages? Here’s what they are — and how to use them,” by Carol Bruess PhD.”
To Recap: Here’s a look at the five languages and how they can be applied and optimized — even during a pandemic.
Love language #1: Words of affirmation
Love language #2: Acts of service
- Love language #3: Gifts
Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, it’s the thought that counts.
When you’re out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommate’s favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter — whose love language is gifts — is a junior in college and we know she’ll adore what’s in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. It’s an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.
- Love language #4: Quality time
Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, it’s actually one of the easiest to engage in.
Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues you’ve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse — no phones or “I’m just going to turn on the TV for a second” distractions allowed. Nothing says “I love you” in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.
- Love language #5: Physical touch
Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.
I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub — literally. They’d do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, they’re experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.
While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone who’s overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace — something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person — can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.
Love languages are a worthwhile concept to become fluent in during this pandemic time — and at this time in the world. Long before COVID arrived on the scene, we were already living through an epidemic of loneliness. Loneliness is not just about being alone; it’s about experiencing a lack of satisfying emotional connections. By taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and then using them, we can strengthen our relationships and our bonds to others.”
This week is about knowing what the love languages are. Is it important for you to have the warm embrace from a loved one? Or is it having someone’s undivided attention? Would you like to strengthen any relationships and bonds?
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Word-Of-the-Week #972: Love
March 23, 2023 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #972: Love
Love – to have passionate desire, longing, and feelings for.
Are you aware of what your love language is? Do you know what actions speak to you and make you feel loved?
This week features the first half of “Do you know the 5 love languages? Here’s what they are — and how to use them,” by Carol Bruess PhD.”
She writes, “Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?”
Chances are, you have. Because the concept — first created by counselor and pastor Gary Chapman, unpacked in a series of books, and picked up by many others — has spread far and wide. The five love languages refer to the five simple ways that we want love to be shown to us and the ways that we show others love.
I’m a relationship researcher, and while I haven’t empirically studied the love languages concept, other academics have. Some of the published studies confirm the validity of love languages, revealing they can increase people’s relationship satisfaction and longevity.
What I find so helpful about love languages is that they express a basic truth. Implicit to the concept is a common-sense idea: We don’t feel or experience love in the same way. Some of us will only be content when we hear the words “I love you,” some prize quality time together, while some will feel most cared for when our partner scrubs the toilet.
In this way, love is a bit like a country’s currency: One coin or bill has great value in a particular country, less value in the countries that border it, and zero value in many other countries. In relationships, it’s essential to learn the emotional currency of the humans we hold dear and identifying their love language is part of it.
No matter your situation — whether you’re living alone, spending 24/7 with a partner or roommates, living with adult kids or steering younger kids through virtual school — the five love languages are a highly effective set of tools to have in your relational toolkit. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. And when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.
While there are plenty of online quizzes to tell you what your love language is, it’s easy to figure out yours and what your loved ones’ are by looking at what lights them up, what presents they give you (since many of us bestow on others what we would most like), and what their perfect day would look and feel like.
Here’s a look at the first two languages and how they can be applied and optimized — even during a pandemic.
- Love language #1: Words of affirmation
Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: “I really loved it when you made dinner last night”; “Wow, it was so nice of you to organize that neighborhood bonfire”; or just “I love you.”
For the people in your life that you’re not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. My kindergarten-aged goddaughter and I haven’t been together in 7+ months, but we text each other silly videos of us saying — or even singing — what we miss most about each other.
And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters. This is my primary love language, and my husband of 29 years knows it. I’ll often wake up and go into the kitchen to find a sweet post-it note next to a glass of ice water on the counter (which is another love language — an act of service).
- Love language #2: Acts of service
Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. A friend of mine is currently going through chemotherapy and radiation, putting her at high risk for COVID-19 and other infections. Knowing that her love language is acts of service, a group of neighbor friends snuck over under the cover of darkness in December and filled her flower pots in front of her house with holiday flowers and sprigs. Others have committed to shoveling her driveway all winter. (It’s Minnesota, so that’s big love.)
In your home, you could be proactive and do something that eases your person’s daily grind. Why not take on the chore that everyone avoids doing, whether that’s cleaning the oven, changing the litter box, scraping ice off the car, or filling and running the dishwasher? For anyone whose love tank is filled up by people pitching in, seeing someone intentionally scanning the environment to figure out what they can do to make their environment better sends a clear and loving message to them.”
This week is about love language. Do you know what actions make you feel most loved? Is is someone telling you they love you? Is it someone doing something for you?
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Word-Of-the-Week #971: Neighbors
March 16, 2023 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #971: Neighbors
Neighbors – one’s fellow human beings.
Do you know all your neighbors? Have you ever socialized with any of them?
This week features St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Lynn Schmidt’s, “Know Thy Neighbor.”
She writes, “Our country is in a very dark place at the moment. But I have hope, because the answers are all around us. They live around us.
For thousands of years wise people have been extolling the virtues of loving your neighbor. Now is the perfect time to get out and do just that.
The word “neighbor” appears over a hundred times in the Bible. More specifically, the Bible tells us to love our neighbor. A Chinese proverb teaches that a good neighbor is a found treasure. A Welsh proverb says “A little among neighbors is worth more than riches in a wilderness.”
Finally and perhaps most notably is the wisdom of Mister Rogers: “All of us, at some time or other, need help. Whether we’re giving or receiving help, each one of us has something valuable to bring to this world. That’s one of the things that connects us as neighbors — in our own way, each one of us is a giver and a receiver.”
I was reminded of the value of good neighbors during recent floods in the St. Louis area. We got 11 inches in six hours in St. Charles, Missouri, where I live. A part of our property was impacted by flood waters. My husband was working out of town and, without hesitation, I called one of my neighbors and asked for help. He immediately came over and offered his assistance. I not only thanked him, I texted and thanked his wife. She responded: “Of course. That is what neighbors are for.”
Unfortunately, not enough Americans can share in that neighborly experience like I did. Pew Research Center conducted a study in 2018 on how Americans interact with their neighbors. In the poll, 57% of respondents said they know only some or none of their neighbors. That share climbed to 72% among 30- to 49-year-olds and 78% among 18- to 29-year-olds.
Four out of 10 rural residents said they know all or most of their neighbors. The shares were smaller among those living in urban (24%) and suburban (28%) areas. Nearly two-thirds said they know their neighbors but don’t spend time chatting or hanging out with them.
I feel so grateful to live in a community that sponsors many events in our park that brings neighbors together. This was our ice cream social.
Knowing and loving your neighbors can have real benefits. Strong neighborhoods can make residents healthier, both physically and mentally. They can make them happier, safer and less lonely. They can increase longevity and provide access to more information and resources.
Studies have shown that cohesive or tight-knit neighborhoods have lower rates of gun violence, and fewer lives are lost in tragedies, including natural disasters. Older adults who know their neighbors report a far higher sense of psychological well being. Social connections can also have a profound effect on physical health.
According to a 2011 study at the University of Missouri, people who perceived their neighbors as trustworthy were more likely to report higher rates of health and well-being than those who said they did not know or trust their neighbors. A more recent 2014 study by the University of Michigan found that close community ties reduced heart attack risk for people over 50.
It’s not difficult for people to get to know those who live around them. It starts with a simple introduction and a commitment to memory of the neighbor’s name. Every encounter outside is an opportunity to greet the neighbor, even if it’s just a wave. There’s always time to stop and talk or offer a helping hand. Even if the neighbor doesn’t accept the offer, the willingness to help may have a beneficial impact.
It may feel awkward making yourself vulnerable, but asking for help is an excellent way to get to know someone and make that person comfortable asking for assistance later.
The bottom line is to step outside and give neighborliness a chance to thrive. It is good for you, good for them and might just be good for our country.”
This week is about knowing your neighbors. Do you spend time chatting or hanging out with them? Have you ever asked a neighbor for help? Would you help any of your neighbors if they asked?
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Word-Of-the-Week #970: Giggles
March 9, 2023 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #970: Giggles
Giggles – laughing repeatedly in a more quiet but uncontrolled way.
Do you remember the last time you got the giggles? Do you remember how it made you feel?
This week features excerpts from Washington Post writer Daryl Austin’s, “Giggles Can Bring Gaggle Of Health Benefits.”
He writes, “My three young daughters like to watch pets doing silly things. Almost daily, they ask to see animal video clips on my phone and are quickly entertained. But once my 7-year-old lets out a belly laugh, the laughter floodgates are opened and her two sisters double over as well.
This is just what science would predict.
“Laughter is a social phenomenon,” says Sophie Scott, a neuroscientist at University College London who has studied laughter and other human reactions for more than two decades. Scott co-wrote a study showing how the brain responds to the sound of laughter by preparing one’s facial muscles to join in, laying the foundation for laughs to spread from person to person.
“Contagious laughter demonstrates affection and affiliation,” Scott says. “Even being in the presence of people you expect to be funny will prime laughter within you.”
- It’s like yawning
Scientists have yet to definitively find a funny bone, but they are revealing nuances about the laugh impulse. Laughter’s positive psychological and physiological responses include lessening depression and anxiety symptoms, increasing feelings of relaxation, improving cardiovascular health, releasing endorphins that boost mood and even increasing tolerance for pain.
Laughing has also been shown to lower stress levels. “Cortisol is a stress hormone that laughter lowers,” says Scott, adding that anticipation of laughter also “drops your adrenaline” and the body’s heightened fight-or-flight response. “All of these things contribute to you feeling better when you’ve been laughing,” she says.
Because humans are wired to mirror one another, laughs spread around a room just like yawns, says Lauri Nummenmaa, a brain researcher and professor at Aalto University School of Science in Finland whose work appears in a recent special issue on laughter in the journal Royal Society.
“We simply copy the behavior and laughter of others,” Nummenmaa says. “Someone else’s act of laughing is first perceived when seen or heard, and this sensory information is then converted into the
same area of the observers’ brain.”
Studies also indicate that laughter can strengthen relationship connections. This happens, in part, because people naturally want to be around those who make them feel good the way laughing does. “We crave the company of the individuals who can give us such feelings,” Nummenmaa says. “Laughter is kind of a molecular building block of friendship.”
Adds Scott: “You’re much more likely to catch a laugh from someone you know.”
- Laugh attacks
You can, of course, laugh alone, but the contagious nature of laughter means we’re more likely to laugh harder and longer in groups, as at a comedy club or in a movie theater.
Psychologist Robert Provine showed that “you’re 30 times more likely to laugh with other people than you are on your own,” Scott says. In his seminal book, “Laughter: A Scientific Investigation,” Provine wrote that the “contagious laugh response is immediate and involuntary, involving the most direct communication possible between people: brain to brain.”
Although scientists have uncovered much about laughter’s health benefits and its contagious element, there remain many unknowns, including how contagious laughter is learned in the first place.
“Babies aren’t born doing this,” Scott says. “All we know is that people do learn to laugh contagiously eventually, but we don’t know how or when exactly it begins.”
This week is about having some giggles. Have you ever been in a restaurant where a group of guests are having fun and laughing out loud? Did it make you giggle too? Or like me want to join their party? How many friends do you have that you have lots of giggles with?
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Word-Of-the-Week #969: Refocus
March 2, 2023 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #969: Refocus
Refocus – to readjust one’s concentration of attention or energy on something.
Have you ever been forced to make a decision? How did that feel? Would the outcome have been different if you had time to refocus and come up with more options?
This week New York Times writer Carl Richards’ article, “Don’t Force Decisions. Refocus”, felt like a good WOW to re-visit.
He writes, “I love rock climbing. Looking from the ground up, it seems almost impossible for climbers to balance themselves and find handholds where none seem to exist.
Even the most talented climbers can end up getting stuck on climbs well below their skill level. The fact that the next move feels so hard, like we need to force it, means we’re missing something. There must be a handhold we just haven’t seen yet.
When I get stuck, I try to relax and take a step back. This small pause helps me refocus and I usually end up seeing a handhold I overlooked. I compare these moments with the resistance we sense when we try to turn a bolt, and it just won’t go.
Recently, I was talking to a friend who has built a really successful business. He told me that all of his biggest mistakes were the result to trying to force something. Instead of pulling back and refocusing, he’d try to push his way through the situation. In contrast, his biggest successes happened when he gave himself time to find a better way forward.
What if we start to practice a different reaction to resistance? After all, resistance doesn’t imply that we can’t reach our desired goals. It simply means we haven’t found the best option – yet. Why not give ourselves time to identify and evaluate our choices?
Writers stumbled on to this trick a long time ago. Throughout history, we’ve heard the stories of how writers used walking to help work through new ideas and deal with writer’s block.
I’m curious to see what would happen if more of us approached life thinking like a writer. We would still commit to finding a way forward, but like a bolt that just won’t turn, we may need an adjustment. We can’t make that adjustment, however, if we don’t stop the force.”
This week’s is about taking time to refocus. How many times have you felt something was just impossible? How would it feel to relax and pause the next time you feel under pressure to make a decision? Have you taken time to readjust your attention to identify and evaluate all of your options and refocus on what’s most important to you?
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