Word-Of-the-Week #912: Pleasing
January 27, 2022 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #912: Pleasing
Pleasing– to do what is wanted by a person.
Have you ever done something for someone that they wanted, and you didn’t? How comfortable are you with expressing your needs and wants? Are you clear about your personal values?
This week features excerpts from the 2nd half of “This Is What It Looks Like to Set Personal and Emotional Boundaries. We all need to set them—here’s what that means and how to do it for mental well-being,” by Elizabeth Yuko at Real Simple.
“Here are some strategies and examples from our experts to help you get started.
1. Think through what you need/want to accomplish by setting boundaries.
You may not immediately know which parts of your life are most in need of boundaries, and that’s OK. Give yourself the time and space for self-awareness and reflection, and then to process your thoughts and gain a sense of clarity. “Verbalizing and naming emotions allows individuals to understand different perspectives and makes a request appear more like a request rather than a criticism,” says Dr. Magavi.
2. Use your personal values as a guide.
When it comes to setting boundaries, Flint says they need to be in line with your personal values. She notes that we do have some control over scenarios like these when we are mindful of what our values are, and prioritize what brings us contentment, fulfillment, and joy.
3. Understand that different relationships require different boundaries.
Boundaries are often very different depending on the situation and the people involved, according to Manly. For example, you may have very flexible boundaries with an intimate partner. “Intimacy thrives when both partners understand and honor each other’s boundary needs, and this respectful attitude contributes to the ongoing boundary flexibility,” she explains.
In a work setting, however, it is appropriate for employers and staff members to have more rigid boundaries. “Certain behaviors, such as sharing of personal information, sexual contact, and flirting—especially between management and staff—are generally inappropriate, and often illegal,” Manly notes.
And when it comes to family members, the nature of healthy boundaries depends on the overall family dynamics. “If family members tend to be overbearing, fairly rigid boundaries may be needed for psychological well-being,” she says. “If family members are respectful and considerate, boundaries may be far more flexible in nature.”
4. Evaluate your relationships.
Knowing that different types of relationships require their own set of boundaries, it’s time to take a closer look at those relationships. “In order for you to know where you need to put boundaries in place, you need to evaluate your relationships and what you value in your life,” Flint says. “If you aren’t getting enough of what you value—like family time, financial security, etc.—then how do you set a boundary to support the fulfillment of bringing my life into more balance? Boundaries are often trial-and-error as we start. It is OK to ‘tweak’ them over time so that they are the right expression of your limits.”
5. Realize that it takes practice and patience.
For some people, even thinking about setting boundaries can trigger anxiety. “As you practice setting boundaries, you may certainly feel anxious and unsettled until it becomes natural,” Manly explains. “Even if it’s tough at first, practice stating your truth with dignity, courage, and respect.”
6. Speak up (respectfully).
Once you start to figure out which parts of your life could benefit from boundaries, start taking steps towards implementing them. According to Dr. Magavi, this could involve things like asking someone for clarity, respectfully correcting someone, or expressing discomfort with someone’s behavior.
But don’t be surprised if your issues with a person don’t disappear after addressing them once. “It may be necessary to reiterate information,” Dr. Magavi says. “Setting a foundation and allowing fluid conversation at the beginning or any point of a relationship solidifies a pattern and allows healthy boundaries to stand tall and strong. If individuals do not respect boundaries, it is appropriate to contend that this causes discomfort and walk away from the relationship.”
7. Pay attention to relationship changes, and hold your ground.
When you establish healthy boundaries, naturally, the people who are used to you being a doormat may get irritated or upset. In fact, Manly says that some may even continue to disrespect your boundaries. “As you move forward, you’ll find that some people will be supportive of your healthy new boundaries,” she notes. “Others may be unwilling to accept and honor the ‘new you.’ Sometimes the wisest move is to distance yourself from those who choose not to respect your boundaries.”
This week’s focus is on pleasing. How comfortable are you with stating your truth? Have you taken the time to evaluate your relationships and what you value in your life? Is there anyone in your life that you need to distance yourself from?
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Word-Of-the-Week #911: Boundaries
January 20, 2022 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #911: Boundaries
Boundaries – the limits you define in relationship to someone or to something.
Have you ever felt taken advantage of? How comfortable are you saying no to someone?
This week features excerpts from “This Is What It Looks Like to Set Personal and Emotional Boundaries. We all need to set them—here’s what that means and how to do it for mental well-being,” by Elizabeth Yuko at Real Simple.
“Think back to social studies or geography class in elementary school. Your teacher probably showed you a map and explained that certain types of lines were used to show boundaries between states and countries. Sometimes there would be a natural feature (often a river) that would divide one territory from another, but for the most part, the lines we see on the map were not visible in real life. And yet, even though we can’t see the boundaries, people accept that they’re there and understand how far they can go before crossing into other territory.
Boundaries are your way of letting other people know how far they can go with you when it comes to things like emotional support and labor, seeking your help or advice, or even how frequently you’re expected to get in touch.
Most of us were never trained in how to do it and foster healthy relationships in our personal lives. To help you get a better understanding of personal and emotional boundaries, including how to set them and stick to them, here’s some (solicited) advice from trained professionals.
What it means to ‘set boundaries’
“Boundaries are the separations that humans need—mentally, emotionally, and physically—to feel safe, valued, and respected,” says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, Calif. and author of Joy From Fear and Date Smart.
- It means verbalizing what impacts your comfort levels.
Ultimately, boundaries speak to what we identify as making us comfortable or uncomfortable, says Leela R. Magavi, MD, a psychiatrist and the regional medical director of Community Psychiatry and MindPath Care Centers. And this often involves using verbal strategies. “Individuals could use succinct, clear phrases to address and clarify their comfort level and needs,” she continues. “For example, [during COVID] a person could respectfully ask loved ones to wear their masks, stand further away from them and each other, or wash their hands. This practice at home may ease any discomfort when conversing with neighbors and members of the community.”
- It means learning how and when to say “no.”
Another crucial—but difficult—part of setting boundaries involves learning how to say “no” to others. “Many times, we feel that we owe others a dissertation-level response to why we cannot do this task, go to this event, etc.,” says Melissa Flint, PsyD, a certified clinical trauma provider and associate professor of clinical psychology at Midwestern University in Arizona. “The fact of the matter is a good boundary is an explanation in and of itself. ‘I’m quite sorry, but I cannot commit to working on that project over the weekend. I appreciate you thinking of me and having confidence in me, but not this time!’ is a perfectly adequate response.”
- It means being honest and transparent.
But making a conscious decision to set certain boundaries isn’t enough: you must also communicate those boundaries to the people they involve. “Setting boundaries also includes letting others know what they are—not expecting others to have a crystal ball and just know what you want or do not want,” Flint says.
- It means knowing how to expand—or constrict—the boundaries we set.
It’s also worth noting that a person with healthy boundaries is able to adjust their boundaries depending on the situation to allow for the appropriate level of connection, says Manly. “In practice, we consciously and unconsciously use boundaries to let others know what is acceptable or appropriate,” she explains. “When our boundaries are too permeable, we might tend to let people take advantage of us or accept abusive treatment. When our boundaries are too rigid, we might behave in highly defended ways to keep respectful, loving people at a distance.”
Why setting emotional boundaries is important for our mental well-being
Given that boundaries help us feel safer and more comfortable, it makes sense that they come up so frequently in therapy: They can have a major impact on our mental well-being. “Our emotional boundaries are important because they give us the personal space—emotional, mental, physical, or otherwise—we need in a given situation,” Manly explains. “When our emotional boundaries are respected, we feel valued, honored, and safe. Boundaries can be healing; boundaries can help one not feel taken advantage of.” And while maintaining boundaries can be difficult, it increases self-compassion and self-esteem by allowing people to prioritize their own voice and needs, Dr. Magavi explains.
But when our emotional boundaries aren’t respected, it may leave us feeling overwhelmed or bullied, or anxious. Not only that, but if our boundaries are chronically disrespected, the ongoing feelings of despair and powerlessness can trigger chronic anxiety, depression, and even trauma,” Manly says. “On an instinctual level, we may feel like caged animals who are at the mercy of threatening perpetrators when our boundaries are disrespected.”
Additionally, boundaries are vital, Manly says, because they create the foundation for healthy relationships with the self and with others. “When healthy boundaries are not present, people can be left feeling angry or sad due to interactions that create a sense of being taken advantage of, devalued, unappreciated, or bullied,” she explains.”
This week’s focus is on boundaries. Do you feel safe, valued, and respected at home and at work? How comfortable is it for you to verbalize how you want to be treated? Would you like to have more healthy relationships?
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Word-Of-the-Week #910: Enable
January 13, 2022 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #910: Enable
Enable – the limits you define in relationship to someone or to something.
Do you take on more than your fair share of responsibilities? Is it because others tend to procrastinate, and you want to get the job done? Does that ever make you feel resentful?
This word came up for me because I have been enabling people and I know longer want to do that! Enabling “is doing for someone things that they could and should be doing themselves.” I am married to Mr. DIN (Do It Now) which has made me become Mrs. DIN after being together going on 19 years.
I love having a list and checking things off when they’re completed. What makes me crazy is having to follow up repeatedly on others who are not doing what they should be doing. While I am no longer in the workforce, I am on two volunteer boards. I realized that one of the main reasons I was being an enabler was because I have a lot of empathy. I always think of how I would feel if it were me and I want to be helpful. But I also realized I was doing that at my expense many times.
That caused me to create boundaries about what I no longer wanted to do.
I am adding excerpts from “The Difference Between a Bad enabler and an Enabler at Work” by Ryan Carruthers.
“This article is all about enablers in business and how you can learn to be one. Despite all the great things we’ve already said about business enablers the term enabler isn’t at all good. There’s a difference between a bad enabler and a good enabler in business. Here’s why:
- A Bad Enabler
In a negative context, an enabler can be someone who supports someone else’s bad behaviour or even addiction. They avoid the hard conversations about the behaviour of someone else and instead provide them with the means to continue their destructive behaviour.
They may even provide financial support, so the destructive behaviour continues. Bad enablers make excuses for the person they are supporting.
The reputable wellness publication, Healthline defines enablers as: “Someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior.”
Enablers want to help, but, despite their good intentions, they fail to actually help the person they care about. They may believe that without their help (or what they think is help) the person who’s suffering from an addiction or negative habit would be worse off. Healthline lists several indicators of negative enabling behavior:
Ignoring or tolerating problematic behavior.
Providing financial assistance.
Brushing things off.
Not maintaining your stated boundaries.
Feeling resentment toward the person they’re supposed to help.
These indicators reveal a flawed mindset around what is best for the other person.
Now that we know what an enabler is in the negative context let’s move to shed light on what a good enabler is in business.
- A Good Enabler
An enabler is a leader or manager who supports their team and helps them accomplish their goals in a positive context. They don’t hold their teams back but clear the way to do what they do best.
The best leaders give their team an understanding of why their work is essential. These managers help team members to contribute fully.
An enabling leader takes the team’s vision to the rest of the company as an advocate. They work to build bridges and cultivate cooperation and goodwill with others in the organization. Enablers also aim to remove obstacles to their team’s success.
Both enablers create the opportunity for individuals or teams to act. Whether that’s good or bad depends on the context.
This week’s focus is on enabling. Are you doing things for others that they could and should be doing themselves? Have you set clear boundaries? Do you work to build bridges and cultivate cooperation and goodwill with others?
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Word-Of-the-Week #909: Learning
January 6, 2022 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #909: Learning
Learning – the act of gaining knowledge.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed about the never-ending stream of information you are exposed to? Have you ever actively questioned information you have received?
This WOW by Steven Handel, “Be Careful of What You Let Enter Your Mind,” was originally sent in January 2020 and I found it to be a great re-read since the last two years have been filled with lots of information we never knew about. Some true and some false.
“In today’s world, we are constantly being exposed to new information in the media, news, articles, blogs, books, TV, movies, or conversations we have with others.
In many ways, this abundance of information allows us to reach a new level of education that wasn’t before possible. However, it can also lead to a lot of misinformation which can distort our views and beliefs.
One recent study shows that exposure to misinformation can be very “sticky” in our minds. Even if we are told afterwards that something we learned isn’t true, that misinformation still influences our future choices.
This is especially true if the misinformation we consume conforms to our pre-existing beliefs or if it’s something we have very little outside knowledge about.
For these reasons and many more, it’s important that you are careful of what you let enter your mind.
One of my favorite quotes is: “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.” – Alvin T
offler
Due to a never-ending stream of new information and misinformation, we need to always be open to learning new things and adjusting our views in the face of this new evidence.
It’s really easy to find evidence for something that you agree with. It’s a lot harder to willingly seek information that could possibly prove you wrong. But this is often a necessary part of critical thinking.
In another study, it was found that the negative effects of misinformation can be diminished if we are critical of what we consume while we are consuming it.
It’s important that you don’t just absorb information passively, but that you actively question everything you let enter your mind.
Whenever you find yourself learning something new, ask yourself:
- How true is this?
- What is the source of these claims?
- What evidence do they have to support these views?
- What evidence might go against supporting these views?
- Do these views seem logical and rational?
- What are other possible views that may be a better alternative?
- Where can I do more research?
In a healthy and functioning mind, beliefs need to be flexible and open to change. We rarely have all the facts and evidence, so when we learn new things we have to be able to adapt.
Everything you let enter your mind can shape your consciousness and beliefs in some way, often times without us even realizing it. By taking a little more caution in what you let enter your mind, you can take greater control of how your consciousness is shaped.
Of course, you can’t monitor everything that enters your mind 24/7 – that would be impractical and a bit paranoid. At the same time, it may do you some good to cut certain things out of your life to minimize their negative influence on you.
At the end of the day, just pay a little more attention to what you let enter your mind and how it may be influencing you.”
This week’s focus is about learning. Are you open to receiving new information? Have you ever gotten misinformation? Are you open to learning new things and adjusting your views if they aren’t the same as your pre-existing beliefs?
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