Word-Of-the-Week #842: Paradox
September 24, 2020 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #842: Paradox
Paradox – a statement that seems to contradict itself but may nonetheless be true.
Have you ever been faced with a disaster? Would you be able to forge ahead and prevail?
This week San Diego UT columnist Neil Senturia “Stockdale Paradox: Having faith with strong grip on reality” has some very good advice.
“August — what a month. DNC, RNC, BLM, COVID along with the constant of job and family. No shortage of challenges.
For guidance on how to cope, I turned to the work of Harvard Business School Professor Boris Groysberg and researcher Robin Abrahams on the famous Stockdale Paradox.
Adm. James Stockdale was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for 7 ½ years. The central question they asked him was, “How did you survive without knowing the end of the story?” It is human nature to want to know how the movie ends, because if we know “when it will be over,” then we can prepare ourselves to manage for the duration.
What is amazing about Stockdale is this quote, “I never lost faith and I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life.” Consider people with cancer or spinal injuries or what we call “disabilities,” or hurricane and fire victims. We are astounded at their resilience and ability to forge ahead and survive.
Now here is the golden nugget. Stockdale was asked, what was the characteristic of the ones who did not make it out of the prison camp? “The optimists, the ones who said we’ll be out by Christmas, and then said we’ll be out by Easter – those are the ones who died of a broken heart.” Stockdale goes on to say, “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality.”
Let’s read that last sentence one more time together.
That is the paradox — living with a brutal reality on a day-to-day basis balanced against never losing hope. People want to believe the optimist (the virus will magically disappear), but “they come unglued when those predictions don’t work out.” But remember, different than blind optimism is the belief that something good could happen. Could, not will. For the entrepreneur in the trenches, he must calculate the odds of success and play for the possibility of a good turn of cards, of a customer showing up, of the investor saying yes — and at the same time, lose some sleep every night worrying about a Plan B and concocting a Plan C.
The Stockdale Paradox can be summed up as “have faith but confront reality.” A corollary here is to embrace some form of stoicism. Groysberg talks about Marsha Linehan, the founder of “radical acceptance.” She says, “You can’t change anything if you don’t accept it.” Otherwise, you will be working on something that isn’t real. Entrepreneurs need to truly embrace this kind of clear thinking. Linehan goes on to say, “that even when the darkness falls, there is always a glimmer of light”.
Psychologist John Leach says, “Once it becomes clear that rescue will not happen soon, those who survive disasters move into phases of adaptation and consolidation.” Adaptation is unlearning what we knew and what worked before and consolidation is when the “new circumstances are accepted as real.”
This requires developing extrinsic survival behaviors — how to act in a kidnapping or a shipwreck is completely antithetical to the previously routine simple tasks of how to enter a building or shake hands with a friend. You have to start over from square one with new mental energy.
Stockdale talks about the physical intimidation and says it was not won in one grand showdown, but rather “it was the plucky guy who made them start over every day.” I confess that one of my favorite movies is Cool Hand Luke. I have always been inclined toward the renegade and the rebel.
In the end Stockdale talks about faith and patriotism, but deepest of all is “a value system, a sense of identity.” Stockdale supports “acknowledging your errors” (we all make them), but he emphasizes the need for personal integrity, how to keep your self-respect.
At this time in our history, revisiting Stockdale seems critical and urgent. He talks about communication by leaders that bespeaks a “commonality of ritual, of laws, of traditions and of shared dreams.” Look up from your computer screen and find a purpose – it will increase your odds of survival and resiliency.
- Rule No. 675: Man does not live by bread alone — Matthew 4:4
This week’s focus is paradox. If you were Stockdale would you be able to have faith and confront your reality? Are you able to accept your current reality with a glimmer of light?
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Word-Of-the-Week #841: Boundaries
September 17, 2020 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #841: Boundaries
Boundaries – the limits you define in relationship to someone or to something.
How easy is it for you to set boundaries? Did you make any commitments to help family members, friends, or neighbors at the beginning of the pandemic?
This week features excerpts from the NY Times by Julie Fingersh, “How to Set Pandemic Boundaries for Relatives. You’d do anything for them in a crisis, but the crisis isn’t going away. Here’s how to get your life back.” Setting boundaries is important for a healthy personal and work life!
“When pandemic-related shutdowns started, many people rushed to the rescue of their loved ones. They rallied to meet an extraordinary situation and extended themselves in deep and loving ways. They welcomed home adult children with open arms. They jumped to babysit for their grandkids. They volunteered to shop for neighbors and elderly relatives.
“At first, I thought, this is going to be great,” said Nancy Graham of Plainfield, Ill., about sheltering in place with her husband and their three adult children. “I bought puzzles. I bought stuff to make candles. I was like, let’s watch a documentary a week! Let’s learn something!”
Five months in?
“It’s awful,” said Ms. Graham, a real estate agent. “It’s been years since we’ve all been under the same roof for more than a week. I want to kill them, they want to kill each other, and my husband hides in his office.”
Indeed, with no end in sight, many people are wearing down. How long can they keep this up? Can they dial back their level of commitment, be it a pledge of time, money or emotional support? And why is it all so hard?
“As a social species, we have this powerful, powerful need for emotional closeness,” said Dr. Michael Kerr, a psychiatrist and the author of “Bowen Theory’s Secrets: Revealing the Hidden Life of Families,” based on the research of Dr. Murray Bowen, who viewed the family as an emotional unit. “And at the same time, we are allergic to too much of it. Therein lies the dilemma.”
- Creating healthy boundaries is the antidote.
“People are afraid to set boundaries, because they think it risks the relationship,” said Karen C.L. Anderson, author of “Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration” and a life coach specializing in family boundaries.
“When you want to say ‘no,’ to a loved one, you’re afraid that they’re going to make that ‘no’ mean that you’re a bad mother or grandparent or friend. You figure, I’m just going to say ‘yes,’ so I don’t have to feel guilty later,” she said.
“Boundaries create a context for the preservation of love and peace,” said John Townsend, a psychologist who is the co-author of the Christian-themed book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” and host of the “Dr. Townsend Live” show on Crowdcast.
“If you don’t have boundaries, you’ve got chaos,” he said. “Boundaries create an organized structure that people can go, ‘I can live with this. I can tolerate this. I can feel peaceful and still love people.’”
For many people, that’s a lot more easily said than done.
- Renegotiate commitments.
Many people made promises to loved ones back in March, not realizing how long the pandemic might last. How can you create a new normal where your own needs are part of the equation?
The first step, according to Ms. Anderson, is to realize that it’s OK that your needs have changed. “We can always renegotiate our boundaries,” she said. “Just because we’ve agreed to something in one moment doesn’t mean we’ve agreed to it for life. Remind yourself that you get to change your mind.”
- Tell the truth, then let go.
“All you can do is be truthful about what you need going forward,” Ms. Anderson said. “And ask yourself, ‘Do I want my kids and grandkids to love me because I do something I don’t want to do for them? Or do I want them to love me because I’m honest and I’m being myself?’”
Re-establishing boundaries might not be easy, but the rewards can be rich. “Boundaries done right help people be more clear and more intimate, because there’s not the unspoken expectation, like, ‘of course you’re going to keep doing this because you’re my mother and I need you to do it,’” Ms. Anderson said.
“When you can have the conversation without that baggage, you have the space to see each other as fuller human beings, not just the roles you play. It also helps you get to an outcome based on what’s really best for both of you.”
So how do you let go if things don’t go well, despite your best efforts?
“It’s OK to be upset,” Ms. Anderson said. “Tolerating uncomfortable feelings builds emotional resilience. And standing in our truth is hard, but it’s the key to honest relationships. It’s also the key to creating healthy boundaries.”
This week’s focus is on boundaries. Do you feel a need to dial back some commitments you have made? Does that make you feel guilty? How comfortable would it be to tell the truth and renegotiate commitments?
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Word-Of-the-Week #840: Intuition
September 10, 2020 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #840: Intuition
Intuition – a gut feeling of knowing without ever having any idea why you know it.
Have you ever had a feeling that you knew something but didn’t know how or why? Do you have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition?
This is the follow up to “How To Be Successful In Life: 13 Tips From The World’s Most Successful People.” Kara Heissman has seen over the years how the quality of people’s lives are reduced by their inability to find solutions for certain difficulties in their lives.
There are a lot of tips and strategies out there on how to be successful in life, but I am still a firm believer that there is no better way to succeed than to follow that footsteps of those who have already done so. Here are her other 7 success tips from some of the world’s most successful and renowned people:
7. Avoid conflicts.
From Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of America: “The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”
8. Don’t be afraid of introducing new ideas.
From Mark Twain, Famed Author: “A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”
9. Believe in your capacity to succeed.
From Walter Disney, Founder of Walt Disney Company: “If you can dream it, you can do it.”
10. Always maintain a positive mental attitude.
From Thomas Jefferson, 3rd President of America: “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”
11. Don’t let discouragement stop you from pressing on.
From Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of America: “Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed.”
12. Be willing to work hard.
From JC Penny, Founder of JC Penney Inc.: “Unless you are willing to drench yourself in your work beyond the capacity of the average man, you are just not cut out for positions at the top.”
13. Be brave enough to follow your intuition.
From Steve Jobs, Co-founder of Apple Inc.: “Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
This week’s focus is on intuition. How often have you had a gut feeling but not sure how or why? How often has it served you well? How would it feel to not question and just follow your gut feelings?
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Word-Of-the-Week #839: Succeed
September 3, 2020 by Susan Clarke · Comments Off on Word-Of-the-Week #839: Succeed
Succeed – to accomplish something desired or intended.
How many times have you accomplished something you desired or intended? How comfortable are you setting BIG lofty goals? How well do you handle failure – freeze up or keep going?
Kara Heissman has seen over the years how the quality of people’s lives are reduced by their inability to find solutions for certain difficulties in their lives. The next 2 WOW’s feature “How To Be Successful In Life: 13 Tips From The World’s Most Successful People.”
“No matter how old you are, where you’re from or what you do for a living, we all share something in common—a desire to be successful. Each person’s definition of success is different, however, as some may define success as being a loving and faithful spouse or a caring and responsible parent, while most people would equate success with wealth, fame, and power.
We all want to achieve success so we could live a comfortable life—have financial freedom, drive a nice car, and live in a beautiful house. However, although success can be achieved, it does not come easy.
There are a lot of tips and strategies out there on how to be successful in life, but I am still a firm believer that there is no better way to succeed than to follow that footsteps of those who have already done so. Here are her first 6 success tips from some of the world’s most successful and renowned people:
1. Think big.
From Michelangelo Buonarroti, Great Renaissance Artist: “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.”
2. Find what you love to do and do it.
From Oprah Winfrey, Media Mogul: “You know you are on the road to success if you would do your job and not be paid for it.”
3. Learn how to balance life.
From Phil Knight, CEO of Nike Inc.: “There is an immutable conflict at work in life and in business, a constant battle between peace and chaos. Neither can be mastered, but both can be influenced. How you go about that is the key to success.”
4. Do not be afraid of failure.
From Henry Ford, Founder of Ford Motors: “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”
5. Have an unwavering resolution to succeed.
From Colonel Sanders, Founder of KFC: “I made a resolve then that I was going to amount to something if I could. And no hours, nor amount of labor, nor amount of money would deter me from giving the best that there was in me. And I have done that ever since, and I win by it. I know.”
6. Be a man of action.
From Leonardo da Vinci, Renaissance Genius: “It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.”
This week’s focus is helping you to succeed. Do you love the life you have created? Are you able to keep your work and home life balanced? Are you waiting for things to happen or are you making things happen? Will you do whatever it takes to succeed?
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